Osaka Cherokee

I climbed Mt. Kongo for the twelfth time today. I never get bored of the clean mountain air and the chance to burn some calories the old fashioned way. Other regulars on the mountain are starting to recognize me and are slowly realizing there is going to be a foreigner among their ranks. There's some foreigner who has climbed it over a thousand times but I have never met anybody who as met this allusive guy named Paul. I think the powers that be just made a name up and put it up there on the thousand time board just so they could look cosmopolitan.

I got home and then went to the gym to burn some calories the modern way. I planned on going to play basketball tonight but it was cancelled. A couple hours of basketball would've topped the day off just right.

I'm actually skipping a party right now because I don't feel like putting alcohol in my body after a great day of exercise. I'm honestly thinking about quitting drinking. Every time I drink all I can think about is that this glass of beer is doing nothing but poisoning my body and slowing my mind. The problem is is that beer just tastes so damn good.

"Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer" - Homer Simpson

Holy shit, I totally forgot yesterday was Thanksgiving until one of my boys on the basketball team came up to me and asked, "Isn't today the day you guys in America pick your crops or something like that?" I was like, "What the hell are you talking about...Wait! You mean Thanksgiving!" Maaaaaaan, Thanksgiving is so cool. By far the best holiday. How can you beat a day totally devoted to eating? The shittiest thing about Thanksgiving is the left-over turkey. That shit smells so horrible. Even in my pre-herbivore days I didn't eat left-over turkey. The smell and that decaying carcass taking up most of the fridge is enough to make me vomit.

I have to tell you a little secret about my wife. The woman is a habitual scissor mover. I, myself, am a habitual scissor organizer. I use scissors way more than the average human thus I ALWAYS put the scissors back where they belong. My wife on the other hand never ever ever ever puts them back. Every time I need to cut something I go berserk searching. Oh well.... If any of you have any idea where my scissors are please tell me. I have something that I really really really need to cut.

Song of the Day: Loretta Lynn- "Portland Oregon"

Cable TV sucks! I don't mean that the content sucks, I'm saying that having cable TV sucks. I spend way too much time in front of the tube than I should. Granted my hour a day viewing habit is probably a lot less than the average sedentary American but its not what I'm all about. Well, at least I only watch The Simpsons, The Discovery Channel, and the History Channel.

I was flipping through today and I did catch a glimpse of a show on CNN called Crossfire. That little puss in the bowtie is a dickhead! Holy shit, I bet that guy got his ass kicked on a regular basis in high school.

One other thing I've been stopping at more and more often is stupid professional wrestling. I think I'm slowly being lured into it. Its probably some male instinct thing that's been laying dormant inside me for too long. I did notice that wrestling, or rassling if you're from a red state, has changed a lot since I was a little Hulkamaniac. First of all nobody has cool names any more. It's all normal names like Petey Joe or Frank Smith. What the hell happened to cool names like Junkyard Dog, Iron Sheik, or King Kong Bundy. They don't even throw in cool shit between their names like Jake "The Snake" Roberts, or Jimmy "Superfly" Snooka. What's the deal with that? Secondly, goddamn these guys are buff! If I were a homosexual or a woman I'd be watching this shit like it was the porno channel. Thirdly, there seems to be a lot more outside the ring drama than before.

Song of the Day: Ice Cube- "Doin' Dumb Shit"

I had a basketball tournament this Saturday. Let me just start off by bragging that I didn't get into a single fight this time. ahhh, its been a long time since I could say that. We won our first game against a bunch of young guys. The second game we played a team of ten big fuckers. They were definitely the largest group of Japanese men ever assembled in one place. One guy was as tall as me but he was all skinny and shit. All the other guys were about 6'2" and weighed about 220. I could take a couple of 'em on but the force of five of 'em coming at me was too much. Of course my team are all a bunch of pussies so they got pushed around pretty bad. The scary thing about the other team is they all looked like a bunch of fucking Neanderthals. I swear to god they weren't completely human. The had to be member of the Japanese Subhuman Society, or JSS for short. Two of the guys had those mono-brow things. Those things always creep me out. I mean how fucking hard is it to shave that shit? I can shave my entire face in less than five minutes it can't take but a second to take one swipe at the outgrowth of hair between your eyes. We may have lost the game but I think my team can at least boast that we've kissed a girl, something those mouth breathers will never experience. Well shit, that's about all I got for you today. I went to the flea market today and all I bought was a bag of oranges and a thing of tea. Oh shit!! I'm turning into a Japanese old woman.




Song of the Day: Belle and Sebastian- "Wrapped Up in Books"

Today was fire safety day at school. Before going outside to look at the shiny fire engine we were all subjected to a couple videos about how to avoid starting fires and what to do in case of a fire. Of course both videos were animated. I'd like to think that it was animated for the kid's sake but I'm positive they use the same videos for adults. This is a country that is supposedly 99% literate and they waste the ability reading comics. Every day I see businessmen reading soft porn comics on the train. With all the great literature this country has produced (Mishima, Soseki, Murakami, Endo, Abe, etc.) the population wastes its time reading stupid comics. Wait...I've digressed. Anyway, the fire videos were like nothing I've ever seen. Let me give you the lowdown on one of them.

--Situation: A couple of kids are playing video games while their mom is cooking dinner. Dad comes in from work.
Dad: "I'm home!"
Kid A, Kid B, Mom: "Welcome home!"
Dad: "What a hard day at work."
Kid A: "Dad, are you drunk?"
Kid B: "Dad sure looks drunk."
Dad: "Yeah, I stopped and had some drinks on the way home."
Kid A: "Man dad, you smell like liquor."
Kid B: "Yeah dad, you stink. You sure are drunk."
Dad (to Mom): "Urrgghff.... Alright woman, I need some food, a beer, and draw me a bath!"

--Dad sits down on the couch and lights up a cigarette. He takes a couple drags off it and sets it in the ashtray. The house starts shaking because of an earthquake. Cigarette falls out of ashtray onto the floor and starts a small fire. Aforementioned drunk dad stomps fire out with slipper and saves the day.


I just sat there in complete and utter disbelief. The Australian girl that works there and I were discussing the video. We couldn't decide if it was good to show the kids their reality, no matter how horrible it is, or should they have candy coated it a little bit. Either way, its very sad when you realize that this situation is the norm here.

The coolest part of the video was that the kids were playing the original super Mario brothers and the music from the game was in the background the entire duration of the video.

O.D.B. R.I.P.




Song of the Moment: Old Dirty Bastard- "Baby I Got Your Money"

During lunch today one of my students asked if I had got a haircut. I said "yeah". After a little pause a different kid yelled out, "Mr Cain is so cool! He is even cooler than the Matrix. Matter of fact he's even cooler than Spiderman!" All the other kids concurred. So there you have it. I'm officially cooler than the Matrix (I assume they are talking about Neo) AND Spiderman. I'm glad the whole class was in agreement instead of it just being one renegade kid spouting off bullshit. This was a welcome change to the prior consensus that" Mr. Cain is a dumbass."

Song of the Day: Dr. Octagon- "Earth People"

Here's a little snippet from an article that my friend sent me. This is the last paragraph. It makes me feel a little better.

"So our guy lost the election. Why shouldn't those of us feel superior? We eat better, travel more, dress better, watch cooler movies, earn better salaries, meet more interesting people, listen to better music and know more about what's going on in the world. If you voted for Bush, we accept that we have to share the country with you. We're adjusting to the possibility that there may be more of you than there are of us. But don't demand our respect. You lost it on November 2. "


Song of the Day: Explosions in the Sky- "Home"

Yesterday a parking attendant asked my wife if I had a big johnson. I can't believe the audacity and lack of tact the average Japanese male has. If he would have asked me I could have played it off as "man talk" but to ask my wife is pretty uncouth. I have never encountered anything resembling a gentleman in this country. Its "men first" here.

Song of the Day: The Pixies- "Caribou"

Man Shoots, Kills Himself at Ground Zero

NEW YORK - A 25-year-old man from Georgia who was apparently distraught over President Bush's re-election shot and killed himself at ground zero. Andrew Veal's body was found Saturday morning inside the off-limits site, said Steve Coleman, a spokesman for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey. A shotgun was found nearby, but no suicide note was found, Coleman said.

Veal's mother said her son was upset about the result of the presidential election and had driven to New York, Gus Danese, president of the Port Authority Police Benevolent Association, told The New York Times in Sunday's editions.

I hate Bush as much as the next intellegent person but I think this may be going a bit too far.

I just got back from nerd basketball night. I love those little weenies. They try so hard yet they suck so bad. Well, there are like four who are pretty good but the rest of them just don't seem to get it. Remember when you were a little kid and you saw people riding a two-wheeler and it just seemed impossible? It just seemed to go against all the laws of physics your three year old brain knew at the time. Well that's what basketball is to these guys. The idea that somebody can throw a ball into a hoop suspended ten feet above the ground blows there mind. Catching the ball is a mini victory four at least a half dozen of 'em. I'd love to make a squad and take these guys to a tournament. I already decided on a name: The Microchips, or maybe just Chips. It'd be like taking the retarts to the zoo or my dream, taking some homeless guys to the beer garden.

The best part about nerd basketball night is that they are easier to impress than a bunch of first graders. Spin moves, fake passes behind the back, real passes behind the back, slapping the backboard on layups, etc fascinate these fellas.

Song of the Day: Janis Joplin- "Dear Landlord"

Its a very sad day for America. If you wanna know why bush won I'll wrap it up for you in one sentence. There are a lot more parking spaces down at the drag races than at the museum.

America is getting dumber and dumber. The intelligentsia are becoming a thing of the past. Most Americans can name their three favorite episodes of Friends quicker than they can name their three favorite books. I think the democratic system is in serious jeopardy with the current U.S. citizenry. I'm not saying that everybody who voted for Bushy is unintelligent. There are a small number of educated people who vote for him but pretty much he wins because of the moron vote. The "yeeeeeehaaaaaw we can go kill some towel heads!" vote. No matter how hard you tried to rationalize with the average hillbilly that sending your eighth grade drop out son to die in war is not "supporting the troops" it would just be a waste of breath.

I knew something was wrong when I saw an interview with Bushy and the interviewer asked him to name the last book he read. He said, "I'm not really into books." shouldn't that have been on the front page of every paper in the nation? Of course not. That's not big news. That's pretty much how everybody else is. The president is just a reflection of the populace. There was a bright shining eight years when rationality and erudition and logic governed America. We call it "the Clinton years". It was like a breath of fresh air that the republicans smote as quick as they could when they found he got his knob polished.


Song of the Day: The whole Miles Davis "Kind of Blue" record.