Osaka Cherokee

This is the funniest blog entry I've ever read. It's from one of my friend's blog.

"Can someone please inform me as to where one might purchase vacuum cleaner bags? Hardware store? Drugstore? Appliance store? Am I the most non-functional person ever, or is this a genuine conundrum?"

Here's a picture of my new hero.

Two guys knocked heads at basketball tonight and one of the fellas got a nice shiner. Everybody was making a big fuss and they suggested that he go to the hospital. A suggestion I think he took up. C'mon! You don't go to the hospital for a black eye. You wear that like a badge of honor. Well, unless a little girl gave it to you or you somehow got it while fishing or something like that.

In other news I cleaned the shit outta my apartment this weekend. Took everything out and vacuumed and cleaned behind tings like the fridge and whatnot. I rearranged it a little bit too. It's a lot less vertical now. Everything is a little lower to the ground now. You know, I had to get it a little more aerodynamic. I just gotta add some racing stripes and a spoiler and I'm in business.

Time- 7 pm
Day- Friday
Status- drunk

How do I get into these situations? My bad karma is in-stock. Shit, its in surplus.

So many ideas in my head. No outlet. I got a production in my head. I just need someone to pry it out. Like Jim Morrison once quipped, "I drink so I can talk to assholes." That's the subtitle for my whole existence. If I were to write an autobiography it'd be Cherokee Cain: I Get Drunk So I Can Talk to Assholes. Let's make a reality show about it. Come on! Who's got the moxy. Let's hear it!

I'm tired of this. I'm losing my edge. I can't be on the top of my game in this situation. You are witnessing the downfall of a pseudo-genius (a couldabeen, a shouldabeen, a neverwillbe). Its so hard watching myself go out like this. I've been able to weasel myself out of a lot of things thus far but I don't forsee any weaseling in my future. Its time to bite the bullet, take the ride, lie in my bed if you will.

"boney's high on china white, shorty found a punk,
don't you know there ain't no devil,
there's just god when he's drunk"
tom waits "heart attack and vine"

One of my students drew a picture of me today. I've had a lot of children draw pictures of me in my life but this one was the most poignant. He finished the picture in like ten seconds. No detail, no fine touching, just a supersonic scrawling of some crayons and he summed up my whole existence. The band Kansas once sang, "All we are is dust in the wind" but I'd like to counter that all we are is crayons on the paper. You don't know what you are until somebody else puts it out there for you to see.

I just read this little snippet...

"Reality television and rock 'n' roll will come together in a new show from 'Survivor' creator Mark Burnett. CBS will air the show as the Australian band INXS tries to find a lead singer to replace the late Michael Hutchence."

Listen, if somebody would like to come and kick me in the face please feel free. I'm embarrassed to be in the same phylum as people who come up with this bullshit. I mean for real, who comes up with this stuff?

I'm so glad I'm in Japan and we haven't been ravaged by reality shows. Maybe its just cuz I don't watch TV. Hell, for all I know that menace might be already here. If not, its only a matter of time.

I just got back from basketball. Man, I love going there and just pulverizing people. It's such a release going at it hard and turning the opposing players into mush. If it wasn't for basketball and weight lifting I would have absolutely no place to release my anger. I've come to discover that on a day to day basis I am way too nice to people who shit on me. I really need to start being more of an asshole to people. I'm an asshole at basketball but people just pass it off as playing hard. I guess that's alright.

I've been listening to a lot of Black Sabbath lately. I think that's why I'm all heffed up. I was listening to it on the train the other day and as I passed a train stop I saw a retarted guy rocking out. Sabbath was blasting in my ears and I could totally identify with this cat that was just totally bangin' away. People give retarted people a lot of shit but I wish I could just act out in anyway I wanted at any given time. I guess the pursuit of being a "productive member of society" inhibits us from just lashing out like that.

Well, I got back Saturday from my first mountain guide experience. It was pretty cool. I saw Mt. Fuji from the top. The bus ride there and back are by far the worst parts of the trip. The bus stops every two hours to switch drivers and let people off to use the bathroom and smoke. The main reason is so they can smoke. There are people that would completely freak out if they didn't get that nicotine at regular intervals. Smoking pisses me off like no other addiction. Its the biggest waste of time. For the life of me, I can't see the appeal.

You can see pictures of my trip at
www.geocities.com/osakachero/nyu.html

I'm finally sitting down and watching game five of the NBA finals that my buddy taped for me. All I gotta say thank god Aretha Franklin is from Detroit. Her version of the star spangled banner is probably the best I've ever heard. You just don't get soul like that anywhere but Detroit. I wonder if Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera or Beyonce or any of these so called 'divas' were watching. I wonder what they think about when they see something like that and know that their talent doesn't amount to jack when compared to the queen of soul. All the skimpy outfits and MTV appearances won't get them anywhere near the mighty Ms. Franklin.

Today was a pretty cool day. My buddy Jun showed up to basketball today. He hasn't been able to play for about six months now cuz he got a new job and doesn't get off til nine. Anyway, back in the day this guy and I were a were the ultimate big guy/little guy combo on the court. He's the only Japanese guy I know that plays like an American. Well today him and I fell into our old routine like Clyde Fraser and Earl Monroe. It was beautiful.
Another buddy of mine loaned me the tapes of game 4 and 5 of the NBA finals. I can't wait to watch that shit.
I beat another one of my teammates in a freethrow showdown and won a buck. I don't need the 100 yen, I'm just glad to have won something.

Tomorrow night I head off for my mountain guide thing. Its an all night bus ride probably with little sleep and then climb the mountain, hit up the public bath at the top, come down, and get back on the bus and go home. I'm kinda nervous. First of all I can't believe I got this gig. A foreigner getting a job in Japan that has nothing to do with English, are you kidding me?, what a scam. I have no idea what I'm in for. I'm heading out to do some shit I'm not quite sure of in a language that I'm not 100% perfect at. Are you kidding me, you gotta go. It'd be so easy to have turned this down or to quit. Quitting is easy. I could easily stop all this insanity and head back to Almont and get a job at the Lumber Store. Besides I get to wear some sash thing that designates me as a "guide". A sash! I've never gotten to wear a sash before. You know as soon as I put that bitch on I'm gonna run through about fifteen mayor Quimby quotes. Nobody will no what I'm talking about...I suppose that's their loss.

I downloaded some good shit yesterday. I got Black Sabbath's "Live At Last" (the version of 'War Pigs' makes me wanna punch your little sister in the face), The Commodores (Lionel Richie manning the controls in his pre-dancing on the ceiling days) "Machine Gun", The Ramones' "Rocket to Russia", The Pixies' "Doolittle", and The Microphones' "Glow, Pt. 2". A pretty good haul for a days work.

A little sparrow flew into my classroom today. That signified the end of the day. Cuz nothing takes the attention away from a bunch of five year olds like a little birdie flying in. Half the class started chasing it around the room like a bunch of maniacs. I ended up catching it and letting it go. Of course catching the bird has elevated me to a whole new level of amazingness in the kids' eyes. The kids all started calling me 'Superman' after the incident.

I read that some guys in congress are thinking about proposing legislation to get dipshit Reagan's picture on the ten dollar bill. Mark my words, if that fool makes it on the ten dollar bill I will never use one for the rest of my life.

I just drank a C2, the new coke thing. It tastes just like watered down regular coke. This shit is gonna make some guys at coke rich. Wait...they're already rich!

What day is it? Tuesday? shiiiiiiiiiiit!

let's start things out by saying that I'm a tad on the inebriated side. I'm always stepping over that line. I'm a habitual line stepper. I didn't mean it. I was making a cheese pizza toast thing for my girlfriend's sister and next thing I know I'm in the bar drinking with a bunch of fuckers I know.

this fifty year old lady I know, at least I thought I knew, rolled up and sat next to me. I thought it was this fifty year old bitch Seiko that I know, but it turns out that its this fifty year old bitch Chie that I sorta know. Well halfway through the night of flirting with Chie I admitted that I thought she was Seiko. Shit turned a little cold after that. Some guy was like, "hey, forgive Cherokee, he's "friendly" with seiko". Well, Chie was like, "so friendly that the fucker can't tell us apart?!" fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Checkmate! I lose. You can't be claimin' you're tight with somebody if you can't recognize their face in a crowd. fuck it. Such is life. If all these fuckers didn't look a like my life would be a lot easier.

I'm jammin' to some Dave Chapelle right now. This fucker is funny as fuck.

I saw a guy in the gym today who couldn't bench press a hundred pounds. There is something fundamentally wrong with a healthy adult male not being able to bench press a C-note.

I also saw a lady carrying an umbrella to keep the sun off her. That in itself is not strange, many women in Japan do this to keep their skin pastey white/yellow. What seperates this lady from the rest of her kin was the fact that she was using an umbrella that was made of clear plastic! Now I don't know what kind of country you come from, but where I come from sunlight travels fairly unimpeded through clear plastic. Of course, this is Japan, so I probably just wouldn't understand.

I saw Smiley the Happy Transient directing traffic in the station this morning. People might dismiss him as crazy but I bet that place would run a lot smoother if everyone would just listen to his directions instead of running around in complete chaos as is the norm in this country. Another thing about Smiley the Bum, that fool has got himself quite the hat collection. Every time I see him he's got a different hat on. I swear I'm gonna take him to the beer garden one day.

Well, I am now an official mountain hiking guide. I am so excited about this. I can't believe I got this job. This isn't something a normal foreigner in Japan does. I'm like super foreigner or something. My first assignment is June 18th and 19th. I'll be heading off to Mt. Nyukasa (1955 m. 6412 ft.) in Nagano prefecture on an over night trip. I guess if on a clear day you can see Mt. Fuji from the top of nyukasa. You can check out some picture of the mountain at
http://hgg.fc2web.com/N-2003/0914nyuugasa/0914.htm

I've been checking out this singer Patrick Park lately. I got wind of him from my good buddy "Clio" Jeff. Its pretty good stuff.

Well, the rainy season officially started today. So you know what that means? A whole month of entries complaining about how much I hate rain!!
I hate the rainy season so much. Its so unbearably horrible. I'd rather be forced to sit in a room and listen to nsync CD's for an entire month than have to live through the month of June in Japan. Its so wet. Its wet in every possible way you can be wet. It rains. Its humid as hell. And you sweat like a pig cuz its so hot.