Thursday, March 30, 2006
Pushed Up
I went to some indoor playground thing yesterday with some of my ex students and their moms. Shit was pretty cool. A ton of fucking little Japanese kids running around but that should be expected at a playground in Japan. I walked around for about ten minutes and all I wanted to do was PLAY PLAY PLAY! I didn't see any other adults running around so I was thinking maybe it wasn't a good idea for a 6'5" white guy to all of a sudden start playing on the monkey bars, jumping on the trampoline, etc. I walked up to one of the moms who was standing next to this rope net climbing thing. I looked at her and she looked back and we both knew what the other was thinking. I was like, "Race ya bitch!" and we both took off. All you saw were kids holding on to the net in desperation. That broke the seal. I spent the next hour running around like a crazy man.
Last night I found myself in front of a TV that was tuned into regular Japanese TV. Usually I scream and run away but this time I decided to see what was up cuz the announcer said something about a pushup contest. No red blooded American male can turn down the chance to watch other men engage in a pushup contest. The deal was that they had to do as many as they could in two minutes. So the buzzer goes off and these fuckers start doing GIRL PUSHUPS! Are you fucking kidding me?! Aaaaaaaaaaah!! I wanted to run out and punch myself in the balls. Why why why! Japanese men, why do you have to be such pansy asses? I would respect any man that did five real pushups over 200 girl pushups any day.
Girl pushups are for girls. Now that would've been something. Watching a bunch of Japanese women doing girl pushups. I would just sat there with a half-boner and licked my lips.
Song of the Day: Empty Orchestra- A Sense of Place
Last night I found myself in front of a TV that was tuned into regular Japanese TV. Usually I scream and run away but this time I decided to see what was up cuz the announcer said something about a pushup contest. No red blooded American male can turn down the chance to watch other men engage in a pushup contest. The deal was that they had to do as many as they could in two minutes. So the buzzer goes off and these fuckers start doing GIRL PUSHUPS! Are you fucking kidding me?! Aaaaaaaaaaah!! I wanted to run out and punch myself in the balls. Why why why! Japanese men, why do you have to be such pansy asses? I would respect any man that did five real pushups over 200 girl pushups any day.
Girl pushups are for girls. Now that would've been something. Watching a bunch of Japanese women doing girl pushups. I would just sat there with a half-boner and licked my lips.
Song of the Day: Empty Orchestra- A Sense of Place
# posted by Unknown : 12:13 PM
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Public Transportation is for Losers and Old Ladies
This message goes out to the old lady that was hitting me in the back of the knees with her bag and sucking her teeth in desperation to get off the train before the doors opened.
Listen lady. The fucking doors will open in a second. What the fuck do you think we're all lining up here for? This is the south Osaka line and we're pulling into the southern most part of Osaka. The train has nowhere else to go but back. Look ahead! You see that? That's the men's room and a udon shop. They don't just put those anywhere along the line. Those only come up when the train has met its final stop. Putting such things at other junctions would result in dead male pissers and udon eaters. I understand that the train and stopped and the doors have yet to open. I'm sure they will open in a nanosecond. Maybe in the future Japanese engineers will develop a way for the train to simultaneously stop and the doors open at the same time. But for the time being those engineers are working on updating the animation screens on your rice cooker and developing cigarettes to better titillate your t-zone! (while their American counterparts are developing new bunker buster bombs and the triple stuff oreo cookie.) All of us on this train are getting off here. Well, I can't vouch for that crazy guy in the front that's been yammering to himself since he got on, but I can guarantee that the rest of us disembark here. (just as a side note the crazy guy did get off there too) so please just relax one tenth of a second more and everything will be ok. I'm sure your old ass has a very important function to attend. lemme guess. There's a green tea sale over near Shittenoji temple? No? Oh yeah, that ten dollar hand bag sale thing they have up in the station! Bingo!!
Other than that. Let's see. I am drunk. It is Tuesday. I'm telling you. Jim Morrison said it, and it has become my life motto, "I get drunk so I can talk to assholes!". I wouldn't even drink if I could hold a normal conversation with the dumbasses in this world. Today I ran into this guy who was saying that I need to think about the long term such in such in my life. I'm just like, "Beer please. This is gonna be a long night!" It all ended with him saying that he has this fat niece that lives near me that I really need to become friends with her. At that point I was like, "Check please" and I was out the door. Sorry fucker, your fat niece is gonna have to ramble on without this guy cuz I'm outta here.
Listen lady. The fucking doors will open in a second. What the fuck do you think we're all lining up here for? This is the south Osaka line and we're pulling into the southern most part of Osaka. The train has nowhere else to go but back. Look ahead! You see that? That's the men's room and a udon shop. They don't just put those anywhere along the line. Those only come up when the train has met its final stop. Putting such things at other junctions would result in dead male pissers and udon eaters. I understand that the train and stopped and the doors have yet to open. I'm sure they will open in a nanosecond. Maybe in the future Japanese engineers will develop a way for the train to simultaneously stop and the doors open at the same time. But for the time being those engineers are working on updating the animation screens on your rice cooker and developing cigarettes to better titillate your t-zone! (while their American counterparts are developing new bunker buster bombs and the triple stuff oreo cookie.) All of us on this train are getting off here. Well, I can't vouch for that crazy guy in the front that's been yammering to himself since he got on, but I can guarantee that the rest of us disembark here. (just as a side note the crazy guy did get off there too) so please just relax one tenth of a second more and everything will be ok. I'm sure your old ass has a very important function to attend. lemme guess. There's a green tea sale over near Shittenoji temple? No? Oh yeah, that ten dollar hand bag sale thing they have up in the station! Bingo!!
Other than that. Let's see. I am drunk. It is Tuesday. I'm telling you. Jim Morrison said it, and it has become my life motto, "I get drunk so I can talk to assholes!". I wouldn't even drink if I could hold a normal conversation with the dumbasses in this world. Today I ran into this guy who was saying that I need to think about the long term such in such in my life. I'm just like, "Beer please. This is gonna be a long night!" It all ended with him saying that he has this fat niece that lives near me that I really need to become friends with her. At that point I was like, "Check please" and I was out the door. Sorry fucker, your fat niece is gonna have to ramble on without this guy cuz I'm outta here.
Song of the Day- Greg Brown- Mose Allison Played Here
# posted by Unknown : 9:44 PM
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
WBC
Ok, yes I know Japan won that fucking world baseball thing. I hear about it all fucking day. Like I told my boy Mateo, I hear that shit so often I wanna go slam my head in a door. These bastard ass Japanese never say it directly either. Its always some snide little remark. Like today at the gym a guy was like, "America sure is good at basketball. Too bad they suck at baseball. Hehehe!"
Here's an excerpt from a Japanese newspaper.
"An American ballpark rocked with Caribbean and Asian fervor -- there were plenty of U.S. touches, too, just not the host country's team -- as Japan beat Cuba 10-6 in the championship game Monday night."
Little mother fuckers. There is absolutely no reason to include the words "just not the host country's team" in that paragraph.
Anyway, I know what I'm gonna say from now on. "Tell me again how many medals Japan won in the last Olympics. Oh yeah. One! Shut the fuck up!"
Song of the Day: Bob Dylan- Highway 61
Here's an excerpt from a Japanese newspaper.
"An American ballpark rocked with Caribbean and Asian fervor -- there were plenty of U.S. touches, too, just not the host country's team -- as Japan beat Cuba 10-6 in the championship game Monday night."
Little mother fuckers. There is absolutely no reason to include the words "just not the host country's team" in that paragraph.
Anyway, I know what I'm gonna say from now on. "Tell me again how many medals Japan won in the last Olympics. Oh yeah. One! Shut the fuck up!"
Song of the Day: Bob Dylan- Highway 61
# posted by Unknown : 9:16 PM
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Strummin' My Way
Just another typical Friday night in Osaka.
Song of the Day: Black Sabbath- Symptom of the Universe
# posted by Unknown : 4:59 PM
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Got Soul?
On the way home from the gym I stopped over at a shrine to see what it was all about. I've passed it a million times but never realized how big it was until the other day. I had a little extra time today so I decided to check it out. I'm glad I had extra time cuz I needed all of it to talk to two old ladies. They were all over your boy explaining to me the ins and outs of the particular gods that oversee this shrine and shit. One lady told me that I had to come here and pray often cuz my soul is darkening and I need to light it up. Shit lady, I know my soul is dark. So's my mind. I don't think praying here's gonna clean it up. Only miles can cleanse my soul.
Song of the Day: Robert Johnson- Hellhound on My Trail
Song of the Day: Robert Johnson- Hellhound on My Trail
# posted by Unknown : 4:47 PM
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Toed Again!!
Oh my god. I got toed again. Same old lady. Same place in the gym. Then she sat up and she was wearing a tight, see-through shirt with no bra. I almost puked my guts out.
Last night I had a dream I went fishing with Evil Underlord II aka Vice President Dick Cheney. He was driving and I was in the backseat. Everything was going well until he started driving all crazy and passing up great fishing holes. It was then that I came to the realization that I probably didn't wanna be far from civilization with ol' Hair Trigger Dick. I woke up in a cold sweat!
Song of theDay: Rolling Stones- Brown Sugar
Last night I had a dream I went fishing with Evil Underlord II aka Vice President Dick Cheney. He was driving and I was in the backseat. Everything was going well until he started driving all crazy and passing up great fishing holes. It was then that I came to the realization that I probably didn't wanna be far from civilization with ol' Hair Trigger Dick. I woke up in a cold sweat!
Song of theDay: Rolling Stones- Brown Sugar
# posted by Unknown : 6:26 PM
