Osaka Cherokee

All I've been hearing about today is Japan's fucking soccer loss. They had the shit on the news with all the fucking Japanese fans crying and shit. They should take every nip that cry's family out and beat them in the street. Of course that would mean every person in the country would get a beating. Which in the end is what the country needs anyway. Of course Japan lost because "Australians are big". Fuckin' cry baby excuse bullshit. If you're worried about getting bullied out there drink some fucking milk, get some more protein in your fuckin' diet, and hit the fucking gym.

whoa what a weekend. warning this is a long one but please attempt to read it all.

let's see. things started off friday wih my boys jason and dan. first it was pints of guiness and a couple glasses of whiskey and everything was gong fine. things started getting bad after i suggested we do some tequila shots. it was about 1:30 in the morning and doing teqila shots is never a good idea, especially after you're already pretty drunk. i haven't drunk tequila since float biulding in high school. shit was nasty then and its still nasty now. so armed with our new liquid courage we decided to hit the streets of osaka. we got some beers and sat ourside a convenience store like jay, silent bob, and um...my other brother darryl??? i "liberated" a bicycle and convinced to gilrs to go party at a club and as i rode by with one of them riding on the back my boy jason decides to start a fight with a guy in a van. those girls were outta there like hillbillies at a tupac concert. why the thought of going to a club with three drunk idiots was considered ok but dealing with a fighty drunk wasn't kosher i'll never know. after a few more beers and hollering at girls (i can't believe i actually partook in girl hollering. i...i...i don't even know myself anymore. i've lost all connection with my previous value system.) we meandered over to the club. we weren't gonna go in but a japanese guy with an afro promised there were bitches in there. there weren't any girls except a group of scandily clad professional dancers. goddamn!! i can die a happy man after seeing that. whew...i'm sweating right now thinking about it. so after a battle with road cones and convincing some old drunk chick walking down the street to kiss me we rolled into the capsule hotel at about 4: 30a.m. and called it a night. the only noteworthy thing from that was dan was all fucked up and was sitting in the wheel chair bath and bitching that "this is the worst public bath i've ever seen" until i opened up the door and showed him that there was indeed a perfectly reputable public bath in this establishment whenever he was willing to get out of the handicap bath.

saturday: saturday was the wine tasting event at the mitsubishi something or other hotel. shit was greeeeeat! i was hobknobbing with the rich and um...rich drinking glasses of wine from four hundred dollar bottles of wine. i immediately went into my act. "hmmm...you say this bottle here is only 300 dollars. oh its from the chateau de poopoo in the south of france. matter of fact i've been there with my mistress while we were sailing around the world evaluating property. oh yes if i remember correctly we dined with the marquis de frenchy on his estate just over the hill from that chateau. the wine there was much better if my memory serves me correctly. oh ma'am can you read me the bottom line on this bottle it seems i've forgotten my monocle at the villa. you know how hasty one can be when readying oneself for a weekend at the penthouse. i say, let's get three cases of this wine for the help. you know, i suppose the maids and the cooks wouldn't mind a glass of wine now and again. let me just put this on my american express card. oh me! its seems i've left it in the limo. how about being a gent and giving me your business card and i'll call up my order later."
after consuming about 1000 bucks worth of wine i bought a 30 dollar bottle and went home. woooo! take that suckers!

sunday: in a complete turn of events from the previous two days of debachery i headed up to the mountains in the north of osaka. but this wasn't to be just a hike my friends. this hike included a military style obstacle course along the way. i went with my friend jun, his wife and kid, and takami. the first time around we had to bring the women and child so it took us about two hours. his wife is a complete puss and wouldn't try any of the obstacles. takami is a tough broad so she did a lot of them. i'll give her credit she isn't a prissy as she looks. she even did the zip wire across a fucking valley. matter of fact she did it twice! AND when i did it my zip thing stopped halfway over the fucking valley cuz the rope got snagged and she actually pulled my ass back in. but back to me. remember this is about me goddamnit! so after doing it once i looked at jun and was like "race ya bitch!" he was on. we asked the guy at the front how long does he think it would take if we hauled ass. i was like, "i bet we can do it in under thirty minutes." he just lauged and said there was no way humanly possible to do it under thirty minutes. apparently he had no idea who he was dealing with. tell me i can't do it and i'm gonna do it. the ol' hellhound follows me into the mountains too my friends. so we took up full fucking speed. climbing rocks, rappelling(sp?) down cliffs, zip wiring, rope climbing, traversing canyons on rope bridges, pretty much everything except jumping over alligator and hungry lions the whole time me acting like i'm in some movie screaming "JUNGLE RANGERS RESCUE TEAM!!". we busted ass and crossed the finish line in 25 mintues. that guy was fucking amazed.