Osaka Cherokee

Kick

2009-07-02T21:53:00.001+08:00

I got kicked in the face at karate last night. Shit didn't knock me out. It was a hard roundhouse kick that should've took a man down. I guess I'm not an ordinary man. I just may be invincible. Yeah...invincible.

Karate

2009-06-25T10:05:00.003+08:00

I've taken up karate. I started two months ago. It is the greatest shit I've ever done. I have absolutely no experience with it, except for the movies, so its all fresh and new and exciting. I learn something new every time. And there's nothing like having free reign to just beat the hell out of somebody. Getting beaten is great too. Makes you realize you're alive. Its the closest thing I've had to a religious experience in my life.

intanetto bankingu

2009-06-24T08:50:00.001+08:00

i switched banks to one that actually has an online banking system. i know those of you in the real world take such luxuries for granted but this country is still living in the dark ages.
so i go to the site and sign up for the shit. it says that i have to wait for a confirmation mail to start using it. well...now those of you living in the 21st century are thinking "yeah, that makes sense. the confirmation mail comes to your email. you click on the link in the mail, perhaps have a confirmation number, and then you're ready to roll." HA! silly barbarian! when i said "mail" i'm talkinng about good ol' fashioned house mail. for all i know the letter will be delivered on horseback and be written on a parchment scroll.

i'm telling you, there is nothing this country abhores more than the internet. people in burundhi and laos are using the internet with impunity and japan is still like, "i don't know. i heard about somebody in bumfuck, iowa got their credit card number stolen online. quick, shut down the whole system." once again, the main problem with the internet is that it came from gaikoku, overseas, so it can't be trusted.

Nude

2009-06-21T23:15:00.002+08:00

I'm prowling the house naked for the rest of the night. My wife is not pleased but I'm loving it.

Chichi no Hi

2009-06-21T19:36:00.004+08:00

Wow. I haven't written in this thing in years. Forgot I had a blog until I wrote a comment in my friend's blog and my old blog name came up.

So, today is Fathers Day. Sat around all morning waiting for my wife to get ready. I do that every Sunday. I always think she'll be ready by the appointed time but she never is. I should've gone to the gym. This occurs every single Sunday. I know its half my fault cuz I should be used to it by now and just go to the gym knowing she won't be ready. But for some reason I always think, "Well, maybe this time will be different." It puts me in a bad mood every time.
Anyway...
I visited a friend's husband's cousin's art exhibit in Namba. It was pretty cool. She paints by dying with dye handmade from organic materials. On the way home we hit up Shittenoji flea market. Got five pictures for souvenirs for friends back home and a set of wooden blocks for Noki.
Now I'm just sitting here drinking beer, trying to avoid conversating with my father-in-law and waiting for my wife to finish dinner. Yes, spring rolls!

Long Time

2007-07-01T11:49:00.000+08:00

Haven't posted in a very long time. Forgot my password. Then didn't understand the thing about changing my old shit to my google account. Then had a baby. So I kind of forgot about the blog. And so on ad infinitum...

Free Online Dating

MyPod

2007-03-16T22:31:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I'm so bored I'm doing this.

The Ipod Meme. Just put your Ipod on shuffle and answer the questions with the name of the next song that comes up.

How does the world see you?
The Heart of Saturday Night- Tom Waits

Will I have a happy life?:
Damn Shame- Jolie Holland
Um...this is a little unsettling.

What do my friends really think of me?
Fire on the Mountain- Grateful Dead
"Long distance runner, what you holdin out for?
Caught in slow motion in a dash for the door"

Do people secretly lust after me?:
Fairies Wear Boots- Black Sabbath
Homos apparently like me.

How can I make myself happy?
Stupid Girl- Rolling Stones
This is definitely a reference to my wife.

What should I do with my life?
Perfect- Smashing Pumpkins
Apparently all is well.

Will I ever have children?:
2 Deep- Gang Starr
NO NO NO! One is enough.

What is some good advice for me?:
It Ain't Easy- Tupac
Sounds like advice from my dad.

How will I be remembered?:
Big River- Grateful Dead

What is my signature dancing song?:
Blue Buddha- My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult
I did like dancing to this CD back in college.

What do I think my current theme song is?:
Stealing Chaplin- May/June

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
My Mind is Rambling- Junior Kimbrough
Bullseye!

What song will play at my funeral?:
Conspiracy- Gang Starr
I guess I'm going out like Kennedy.

What type of men/women do you like?:
Desperation Eyes- Patrick Park

What is my day going to be like?:
Nowhere Man- The Beatles
Everyday's the same.

Basketto Faito

2007-02-23T12:24:00.000+08:00

i got in a little altercation last night at basketball. i just forcefully told a guy to quit pushing me in the back and if he thinks he's tougher than me we can figure it out right here. of course he didn't take me up on my offer. i go off like this because i endure so much shit for the sake of being a nice guy. so after shooting some hoops by myself and cooling down for a bit i went back to squash it with him. i don't wanna have tension in the gym. but get this. he's like, "forget it. i'm going home!". going home!? going home!? what a fucking girlie ass bitch thing to do. i have never witnessed an act of pussy-ness like that in all my life. leave it up to a japanese male to show it to me.

Duck Duck Fuuuuuuck

2007-02-02T22:34:00.000+08:00

Today I injured my hand in a very intense game of duck duck goose. Those fuckin' kids are fast. I think I can probably whoop there ass in a street fight but I'm no match when it comes to running around a small circle. I turned the corner too fast and I wiped it. Landed right on the palm of the hand that I injured in that bicycle accident. This damn thing is never gonna get better.
At least I can sit back and think, "I can't believe that I get paid for this".

Bon Asahi

2007-01-25T22:29:00.000+08:00

Asahi beer is having this new campaign where you save up these stickers from the cans, paste 'em on a postcard, and send it in to win prizes. Once you get twelve stamps you are in the running for either an adventure vacation or tickets to Bon Jovi. For the love of god. Why do the have to make it so difficult!? You gotta choose before you send it in. Talk about the agony. Do I opt for the canoe trip in front of Mt. Fuji and forego seeing the greatest rock band of all time or do i go for bon Jovi and possibly miss a balloon ride or 4-wheeling on sand dunes?

I know one thing though. This whole contemplation time has spurred a whole lot of dancing around the house singing "Shot through the heart and you're to blame. You give love a bad naaaaaaaaaaame!" Much to poor Takami's dismay. I keep popping out from behind doors and air guitaring and singing it for her. It scares the shit outta her. Especially the time I did it with no pants or underwear on. At least I had a little percussion to go along with my air guitar on that one. Every day I wake up and think to myself, "I can't believe I'm still married." You have no idea what this woman goes through on a daily basis.

song of the day: Jon bon Jovi- "Blaze of Glory" I love this stupid fucking song.
"I don't know where I'm going
Only God knows where I've been
I'm a devil on the run
A six gun lover
A candle in the wind"

Cherokee "mr. catch me if you can" Cain

Chopstick Smith

2007-01-23T22:15:00.000+08:00

Will Smith was on Japanese TV tonight. Oh and how the Japanese are twitterpated to have such a big American star come on. Anything the man did was just off the fucking hook amazing. He could almost juggle three bean bags and the entire crowd and staff soiled their drawers. Then he figured out the intricacy of a traditional Japanese wooden puppet game that your average two year old could do with absolutely no problem and once again the entire place messed in their pants. Oh but we're not finished yet. Then three Ultramans, or is that Ultramen???, came out and Will Smith had to join them to defeat some enemy guy. And you guessed it, they had to airlift in a whole new set of undergarments for everybody.

Here's an only in Japan experience for you. I just got yelled at for ten minutes because I pulled the plug in the sink to let out the water and a chopstick got sucked down the drain. It just totally disappeared. You'd figure it'd stick out a little bit, right? Nope. That little fucker got devoured. According to my wife I am a dumbass because I didn't foresee this happening before I pulled the plug. Like i have any cultural background knowledge for this. Like I'm supposed to go, "Oh yeah, that's right. Just like the time I lost a chopstick down the sink back in fifth grade!".
i think the main question I need to be asking is what do I do with that chopsticks mate? Do I throw it away? Do I keep it around in case another chopstick accident occurs and I can use the two pairless sticks to make a new team? i doubt if its the latter. i get yelled at every time i attempt to use two chopsticks that aren't a pair (only when my wife is around though. When the bitch ain't around I use two different chopsticks on purpose. Take that bitch!!). I think its best to tread lightly on this one. I wouldn't want to infringe on yet another chopstick rule. They probably got some archaic torture for people who break too many chopstick/slipper/bath rules. I know I gotta be gettin' close to that limit by now.

Poopooball

2007-01-21T17:21:00.000+08:00

Had a 3 on 3 basketball tournament today. We didn't do so well. One other guy and i both had diarrhea. It made playing all out very difficult. i told one guy, "i don't really care if we win or lose today. If i don't empty my bowels on the court I'm considering today a victory!"

Went out for Turkish food last night. I'm thinking that might be the culprit for today's stomach issues. I think it was the raki, Turkish liquor, that they gave me. It tasted a lot like ouzo or absinthe. The place ended up hooking me up with a free glass of Turkish wine, a shot of that raki, some ice cream, and some Turkish tea. I guess they really want me to come back. I'll be sure to put in on my agenda.

Song of the Day: from the new Tom Waits' 3 CD set "Little Drop of Poison"

Cycling Accident Blues

2007-01-19T22:45:00.000+08:00

wiped out on my bike. was hauling ass down a wide road (old 26 from Sakai to Izumi Otsu if you care) when i decided to get on the sidewalk to avoid a truck that was coming behind me. there was about a two inch lip to get up on the sidewalk and i hit it going too fast and at not enough on an angle. my tire skidded along it right into a guard rail. i went flying and i was sliding across the concrete i saw my bike doing a couple tumbles right behind me. no major injuries to report. i bloody left knee, a scraped up right foot, an abrasion on my left elbow, bruised hands, a hole in my pants and in my gloves, and a severe blow to my pride. my bike came through without a scratch. that thing is a fucking tank.
takami foresaw this happening and expressed only slight concern resolving that these things are inevitable when you're married to an idiot.

Fun with Fun

2007-01-18T21:44:00.000+08:00

i came back from the gym yesterday and the lady that lives across the cul de sac came over and told me that there was some cat poop around the corner and that she covered it up with some dirt. i just stood there like, "....and?". i didn't know what to say. the cat poop wasn't my fault. it wasn't on my property. i had absolutely nothing to do with it. on top of that this lady has never said one fucking word to me the whole time i've lived here. i say "good morning" and "hello" to her and she just ignores me. so why in god's name did she decide to finally break the ice by talking about some poop she covered up? i guess its best not to think about it to hard.
i think she's a little nuts. takami's dad is like a third degree black belt in knife sharpening. that guy can get butter knife razor sharp with just a stone off the ground. he also has a disdain (as do the rest of takami's family) for dull knives so he periodically comes over here to sharpen our shit up. he was doing it outside and the aforementioned lady asked him to sharpen some knives up for her. being a nice guy he did. as payment she gave him a ziplock bag full of "pork". i have to use quotatoin marks cuz the substance in that bag was suspect.

A Rittle Engrish

2007-01-14T17:47:00.000+08:00

Here's a little email from my boy Koji that came in and cheered up my day.

Good evening.Are you fine? I am fine.
Is the basket enjoyed? I go to a gym every week and am training. But it does not become thin.
When is a child's delivery scheduled day? Does the baby understand in the man or the woman? I expect a girl.
Is work favorable? I want to change my employment. The present work is hot. And a salary is cheap.
Doesn't it come for play to my house? You are invited pleasantly. The place in which I live is very the country.
Let's go to drink next time.

Song of the Day: Ramones- "Too Tough to Die"

Japan Traversin' Blues

2007-01-08T22:04:00.000+08:00

i decided to try and ride my bike to one of my private student house's and then to my school today by bicycle instead of taking the train. lemme tell you something. shit was a fucking adventure. not just the fact that round trip was around 45 miles just trying to navigate around japan is in-fucking-sane. my first mistake was to consult a map. japanese people are not taught map reading in school therefore maps here are drawn up all willy nilly. they are not drawn to scale and only about half the roads are on there. to make matters worse outside major cities roads usually don't have names. a few have numbers but the number represented on the map and the one on the actual road are rarely the same. oh yeah, and they usually aren't drawn with north at the top. neither is south, or east, or west its pretty much a random shot in the dark.
i'm excellent with directions (which is amazing considering i am big jack's heir. once in kentucky whilst in a fight he was heard to yell, "how the hell can you tell which way is north!? you have no fucking idea where you are!!" to my dad once you leave the romeo/almont/dryden triangle it is impossible to determine any direction just by instint.) anyway, i digress. the maps not being drawn to scale are the biggest hinderance. you'll go from point A to point B and it'll take five minutes. so you look on the map and point C is just as far away from point B as A and B were. therefore you'd expect that the same five minutes would elapse between B and C. noooooooo! there you are using the "L" word, LOGIC! that word has no place in this country! anybody trying to bring logic into japan has it confiscated at the airport. B and C might be eight times as far away. there's just no way to tell. whoooopeee! its like an unintended trip to the mystery spot!
and all this on top of all the typical hazards or riding in japan: weaving old ladies, slow riding high schoolers, cars flying around with drivers not paying a lick of attention, shop keepers and their hoses cleaning the FUCKING sidewalk, large debri littering the sidewalk, etc.

song of the day: waylong jennings- "there ain't no god in mexico"

New Year

2007-01-02T20:51:00.000+08:00

I spent New Years Eve night drinking red wine with a yakuza member. Not my best New Years celebration to date but certainly one of the most memorable. I always get a long well with my fellow tattooed members of the night. I think its because foreigners and yakuza are both outsiders in this cookie cutter robotic society.

Fowlin'

2006-12-26T21:30:00.000+08:00

my fat pregnant wife was watching tv the other day and i sat down for a minute to make fun of what ever was on there. of course japanese tv never disappoints me. they had some guy on there who caught ducks with a huge fuckin' net. he'd sit and wait by the pond until the flew up and then he'd throw this great big net that looked like an oversized lacrosse thing into the air and attempt to snag a duck. he went at it a couple dozens times and never caught a single bird. and this was after having so sit and wait for the ducks to decide to fly up. god forbid you use a dog to scare 'em up or maybe throw a rock in the water or something.

leave it up to japan to ALWAYS find the hardest possible way to do something and then go with it ad infinitum. the gun was introduced here in the 16th century and if the history quip i learned is true the first thing the dutchman that introduced it to the japanese shot was a fuckin' duck. you figure they'd put out a bulletin throughout the nation, "here ye here ye, from this moment forth all duck hunters will use a gun to shoot water fowl instead of resorting to the antiquated action of catching them with a big ass net!"

song of the day: midlake- 'roscoe'

Ticket to Heaven

2006-12-25T23:01:00.000+08:00

merry christmas. i hope you're all opening your presents and getting ready for some real christmas food. i myself am calling it a night after working, eating some indian food, and then going to basketball. just another day here in japan.
takami bought me some slippers that are way too small and a scarf. she also fed me a rotten potato that has had me fucked up for the past two days.

i volunteered to be santa at an old folks home on saturday. ya know i'm completely morally bereft about 363 days a year and then i spend the extra three replenishing my karma. this was one of those days. i figure its buying my ticket to heaven. like the time i repaired that amish girl's bike. that bought my way into christian heaven. the way i see it this little stint at the old folks home reserved my space in buddhist and shinto heaven. i figure its good to cover all your bases.

song of the day: james brown- "the things that i used to do" from his very very strange "messin' with the blues" album. r.i.p. soul brother. say "hi" to old dirty bastard and copernicus for us.

Stung!

2006-11-05T15:32:00.000+08:00

played our final football game of the season today. halfway through the third quarter i got the dreaded stinger/burner. lemme tell you something, that shit fucking hurts. the nerves that run from your neck through the top or your shoulder get hit and your whole fucking arm radiates pain. i'm pretty sure i was the most intense five seconds of pain i've ever felt. this all started last week at practice when i got three of 'em and my hand has been numb for a week. but i'm a tough guy (idiot) and didn't go to the doctor cuz i knew he'd say don't play today. well, once again i've learned my lesson....for now. so for the time being i'll have a good time not having any feeling in half my right hand. this might put a damper on my sex life.

Harroween

2006-11-05T15:30:00.000+08:00

lemme just get this off my chest. i'm so fucking glad halloween is over. i used to love it when i was a kid. i dug it when i was in college. i pretty much didn't have anything against it until i moved to good ol' "let's copy shit and fuck it up" japan. when i first moved here there wasn't a lot of halloween stuff around. a few stores sold some jack-o-ranterns and whatnot and the japanese had a vague sense that it was some sort of fUn FuN jOy JOY american holiday. i hated it then because i got asked so many damned questions about it. i refused, and still do, to do anything halloween-ish in my lessons.
well its a whole different world now. from about three years ago japan is all abouty bout halloween. everywhere i go i see halloween shit being hocked. the mood is also different now. it isn't, "look there's a foreigner let's ask him about harroween" its more of a conceited "looky looky mister bronde haired, brue eyed, eat too much at the buffet, and fuck our women foreigner man, we're just like you now. we have harroween too! hahahaha!"
so now that japan has officially taken halloween and christmas hostage its only a matter of time before they jump on the easter or thanksgiving bandwagon. speaking of christmas the dancing santas and christmas cakes should be rolling out in 5...4...3...2...AAAAHHHHH!

fuckin' no fun holiday having japan. you'd figure being the country with the most national holidays in the world (15) you wouldn't have to cop other countries' shit.

Tora Tora Tora

2006-10-22T22:00:00.000+08:00

i watched the tigers game live this morning. i spent a half hour trying to find that shit on some internet radio station before i realized, "hey wait a minute. the japanese like baseball. that shit might be on tv.". sure enough it was. now let's get one thing out there right now. i am not a baseball fan. baseball is the boringest sport on the planet. any sport where opposing players chat with each other after reaching base is not a sport for me.
could you imagine guys on the line in football.
defensive tackle- "hey there. how ya doin'? how are the kids? did that new lawn treatment spray i recommended work out?
offensive tackle- "oh, joan and the kids as splendid. thanks for asking. oh yes that spray did wonders for my dandelion problem. thanks a bunch for telling me about it. oh, well it looks like we're about to snap the ball so i'll talk to you next play."
but the weather is fair so i'm coming out to support my [abandoned] home team. so like a true michiganian all i gotta say is "fuckin' tigers!" hatred for a losing team is most definitely a detroit thing. i've seen aussies and new zealanders get in fist fights here over rugby/soccer/cricket matches but i've never seen another human HATE their team after they lose like detroiters. i love it.

ps fuckin' lions!

pps fuckin' pistons. still not over last year's bullshit.

Fetish

2006-10-22T18:19:00.000+08:00

Just got back from a little excursion to the maternity/baby stuff megaplex in the city. I'll tell you what. I thought the ob/gyn section of the hospital titilated my pregnant fetish but let me tell you something. The maternity section is the place to go if your fetish runs down the same twisted path as my own. Goddamn! So many hot little pregnant Japanese chickies shopping with their little bellies stickin' out. I had a half chubby the entire time. Hey I know some of you out there might not dig this like I do but lemme tell you something, that hot little thing in the tight skirt and half shirt might look like a slut but there's a chance that she's still a virgin, but when you see a pregnant girl you know she's done it at least once. YES!!!

Song of the Day: Charlie Daniels- "Cowboy Logic"

Ghost Riding

2006-09-05T21:06:00.000+08:00

Now this is the funniest email of the year. This one comes again from our boy Big Jack.

"How are you playing football? I did not see or sign a permission slip. Did you forge my name?"

I laughed so hard I farted when I read this. The thing is I'm sure he wrote it as a joke but when he first read I was playing football he probably actually thought, "wait a minute. i didn't sign any permission slip for him to play. Oh wait, he's 30 years old now." Big Jack has the problem of still thinking I'm 8. Every time I talk about riding a bike he says, "yeah, I bet you'll ride it then jump of the back of it and let it roll down the road and crash." we used to call that ghost riding. I haven't done it since the second grade when I was riding a Huffy Challenger 3000 bmx bike around Hidden Lake trailer park on 32 mile and Rochester Rd.. But in my dad's head I'm still doing that.

Checkmate

2006-09-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

Had another football practice today. Damn that shit is awesome. My uniform pants were covered in blood (my own). John madden would be proud. I had a quarter back sack, knocked down a pass, and had about a dozen tackles. I think I'm doing fine even without the cleats.
On the train ride back the guy in a suit across from me was looking at me kind of weird. I guess the blonde hair, blue eyes, unkept lambchops, sunburned face, and blood dripping from my knees down my legs made him realize that him and I don't traverse in the same circles.

Oh yeah, here's the team's website.

They took my picture today to put on there but I don't know when it'll be up. My boy Joe's pic is on there from when he played last year.

Communist Rock

2006-09-02T18:51:00.000+08:00

I went to try and get some football cleats today and no store in the whole fucking mall had my size. Its not like size 12's are fucking ginormous or anything. Everything I go in and ask if they have 12's (30 cm) they look at me like I'm a fucking freak of nature. I understand that they are bigger than the average sized Japanese foot but its not so big that I should be treated like a mutant. I'm sure if I guy walked into an American shoe store and asked for a size 15 they'd be able to accommodate him with at least one shoe type in his size.

Today is the last day of the election campaigns for city council or as I like to call it "noise pollution from hell". This year is particularly bad. Those fuckers are out driving around blasting their slogans, wait I mean names over and over and over ad infinitum, around the fucking clock. That is except for the good ol' communist party. Apparently they couldn't come up with enough cash, or couldn't come up with enough distribution of labor since cash is erroneous to their ideals, to buy a vehicle so they are out there on foot. Good for them. Keeping with their proletariat stance. If I were allowed to vote I think I'd go down and vote for them since they noise pollution was limited to the smallest area. Maybe I'll tape my eyes slanty, cut myself off at the knees, get a rod Stewart haircut, don a pink shirt that says "fResH LifE FAst luv gimmegiMMe!", a real shiny belt, and act like I'm a tough guy, and maybe they won't even notice I'm not Japanese. I'll let you know how that goes.

Song of the Day: Reagan youth- 'Jesus was a Communist'

Foozball

2006-08-27T20:37:00.000+08:00

Well I officially started my football career today. We had a three hour practice. Shit was fucking awesome. Let me tell you, having a free reign to just barrel into people and inflict as much damage as possible is fucking great. We got some big dudes on our team. There's a couple fuckers bigger than me. But they aren't as crazy as I am. Man, I cannot wait to do this again next Sunday.
I can't believe I'm thirty years old and playing on a ratty ass football league in Japan. I'm not gonna have a secure 401k or a nest egg or anything else that I don't know anything about but I'll definitely die with the most memories and stories.

For those of you that know football I'm the defensive tackle. Goddamn this shit is awesome.

Are You Ready for Some Football!

2006-08-15T15:18:00.000+08:00

Well if all goes as planned it looks like I'll be playing in a football league. I can't fucking wait! I'm gonna play defense and my first goal is to hit somebody so hard they get seriously injured. My first goal was to hit somebody so hard I kill 'em but I've since realized such a feat would weigh heavy on my conscience.

I've been training in preparation for the madness. I did a shitload of jump squats on top of my usual leg routine and then ran a bunch of wind sprints last night on top of a little 2 mile run. My legs feel like somebody beat them with a baseball bat!

Kotsu Anzen

2006-08-14T22:16:00.000+08:00

i got harrassed by the coppers the other night. its safety week again so those fuckers are out there harrassing everybody for no reason so they don't have to do there job the other 51 weeks of the year. i got stopped because my bike doesn't have a light on it. mother fuckers! why don't they go out there and stop all the child molesting old guys instead of bothering people on bikes. i was a real dickhead to the cop too. i'm like that when i know they can't really do anything to you. i basically called him an asshole and shit while he was checking if they bike had been reported stolen. fuck these guys.

also there's a new weird guy at the tennoji train station (the sothernmost station of osaka city). he walks around with a cat on his shoulder. the cat is all dolled up in a little hooded sweatshirt. dare i go so far and to use the hip term of our day and call it a "hoodie"? i hate that fucking word. i little piece of me dies every time a friend says it. anyway this guy always takes the cat up to high places with a ledge and leans over so the cat can see over the edge. i'm not sure what this is all about. the cat doesn't seem to mind so i guess its to each his own.

Boo Hoo Bullshit!

2006-06-13T21:31:00.000+08:00

All I've been hearing about today is Japan's fucking soccer loss. They had the shit on the news with all the fucking Japanese fans crying and shit. They should take every nip that cry's family out and beat them in the street. Of course that would mean every person in the country would get a beating. Which in the end is what the country needs anyway. Of course Japan lost because "Australians are big". Fuckin' cry baby excuse bullshit. If you're worried about getting bullied out there drink some fucking milk, get some more protein in your fuckin' diet, and hit the fucking gym.

A Weekend

2006-06-05T21:42:00.000+08:00

whoa what a weekend. warning this is a long one but please attempt to read it all.

let's see. things started off friday wih my boys jason and dan. first it was pints of guiness and a couple glasses of whiskey and everything was gong fine. things started getting bad after i suggested we do some tequila shots. it was about 1:30 in the morning and doing teqila shots is never a good idea, especially after you're already pretty drunk. i haven't drunk tequila since float biulding in high school. shit was nasty then and its still nasty now. so armed with our new liquid courage we decided to hit the streets of osaka. we got some beers and sat ourside a convenience store like jay, silent bob, and um...my other brother darryl??? i "liberated" a bicycle and convinced to gilrs to go party at a club and as i rode by with one of them riding on the back my boy jason decides to start a fight with a guy in a van. those girls were outta there like hillbillies at a tupac concert. why the thought of going to a club with three drunk idiots was considered ok but dealing with a fighty drunk wasn't kosher i'll never know. after a few more beers and hollering at girls (i can't believe i actually partook in girl hollering. i...i...i don't even know myself anymore. i've lost all connection with my previous value system.) we meandered over to the club. we weren't gonna go in but a japanese guy with an afro promised there were bitches in there. there weren't any girls except a group of scandily clad professional dancers. goddamn!! i can die a happy man after seeing that. whew...i'm sweating right now thinking about it. so after a battle with road cones and convincing some old drunk chick walking down the street to kiss me we rolled into the capsule hotel at about 4: 30a.m. and called it a night. the only noteworthy thing from that was dan was all fucked up and was sitting in the wheel chair bath and bitching that "this is the worst public bath i've ever seen" until i opened up the door and showed him that there was indeed a perfectly reputable public bath in this establishment whenever he was willing to get out of the handicap bath.

saturday: saturday was the wine tasting event at the mitsubishi something or other hotel. shit was greeeeeat! i was hobknobbing with the rich and um...rich drinking glasses of wine from four hundred dollar bottles of wine. i immediately went into my act. "hmmm...you say this bottle here is only 300 dollars. oh its from the chateau de poopoo in the south of france. matter of fact i've been there with my mistress while we were sailing around the world evaluating property. oh yes if i remember correctly we dined with the marquis de frenchy on his estate just over the hill from that chateau. the wine there was much better if my memory serves me correctly. oh ma'am can you read me the bottom line on this bottle it seems i've forgotten my monocle at the villa. you know how hasty one can be when readying oneself for a weekend at the penthouse. i say, let's get three cases of this wine for the help. you know, i suppose the maids and the cooks wouldn't mind a glass of wine now and again. let me just put this on my american express card. oh me! its seems i've left it in the limo. how about being a gent and giving me your business card and i'll call up my order later."
after consuming about 1000 bucks worth of wine i bought a 30 dollar bottle and went home. woooo! take that suckers!

sunday: in a complete turn of events from the previous two days of debachery i headed up to the mountains in the north of osaka. but this wasn't to be just a hike my friends. this hike included a military style obstacle course along the way. i went with my friend jun, his wife and kid, and takami. the first time around we had to bring the women and child so it took us about two hours. his wife is a complete puss and wouldn't try any of the obstacles. takami is a tough broad so she did a lot of them. i'll give her credit she isn't a prissy as she looks. she even did the zip wire across a fucking valley. matter of fact she did it twice! AND when i did it my zip thing stopped halfway over the fucking valley cuz the rope got snagged and she actually pulled my ass back in. but back to me. remember this is about me goddamnit! so after doing it once i looked at jun and was like "race ya bitch!" he was on. we asked the guy at the front how long does he think it would take if we hauled ass. i was like, "i bet we can do it in under thirty minutes." he just lauged and said there was no way humanly possible to do it under thirty minutes. apparently he had no idea who he was dealing with. tell me i can't do it and i'm gonna do it. the ol' hellhound follows me into the mountains too my friends. so we took up full fucking speed. climbing rocks, rappelling(sp?) down cliffs, zip wiring, rope climbing, traversing canyons on rope bridges, pretty much everything except jumping over alligator and hungry lions the whole time me acting like i'm in some movie screaming "JUNGLE RANGERS RESCUE TEAM!!". we busted ass and crossed the finish line in 25 mintues. that guy was fucking amazed.

Just a Thought

2006-05-10T22:22:00.000+08:00

A rainy night in Osaka and I got john Coltrane 'live in Paris' on the ol' ipod. I figure its starting to get hot here so jazz weather is almost over. I gotta jam as much in before the summer heat ushers in a little spicier kind of music. As I was walking from the train station I started thinking about how I have absolutely no roots in anything remotely resembling jazz life. Jazz is straight from the city and the only city I ever lived in was a short hitch in Flint, MI. I started thinking about what a fucking shithole flint is. By far the worst place I've ever been. If anyone ever asked, "Hey Cherokee, you've been around a little bit. What's the absolute worst place you've ever been?" I'd definitely answer Flint. I'd much rather live in the slums of Hanoi than in a nice part of Flint. Flint is a lie. a lie told by a half dozen rich men a hundred years ago. A group of slumlords that sat around lighting fifty cent cigars with one dollar bills and emphatically reassuring each other that those bastards J.D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, J.P. Morgan, and their likes have nothing on them. Everybody from Flint says the same thing, "Flint used to be nice!" that's a lie too. a trolley and a million white people doesn't make your city "nice". Its just an excuse not to try and improve things.
Oh well, what the fuck do I know anyway?

Two good things about Flint though. There are a lot of good cyclists and for some reason and whole helluva lot of volleyball players in that god forsaken place.

Song of the Day: John Coltrane- Naima

Thirtysomething

2006-05-02T20:18:00.000+08:00

I turned 30 today. Can you believe that shit? Maybe I should start acting like an adult or something. I don't have a house, kids, a car, or a real job. Matter of fact I haven't done anything with my life except keep running from that hell hound I like to call responsibility. Its that fear that keeps me from settling.
I celebrated my birthday by working out then eating some Indian food and now I'm listening to some Richard Pryor shit from the 70's that I downloaded the other day.

Song of the Day: Robert Johnson- "ramblin' on my mind"
"runnin down to the station
catch the first mail train I see"

Who's the Boss

2006-04-03T19:55:00.000+08:00

the forces that be have chosen my wife to be the hancho (as in Head Honcho) of our little cul de sac area thing place. the force not being dictated by the alinement of the planets, a good ol' american vote, or the fact that takami has any leadership qualities whatsoever. in this case the force is just plain linear order. i think there are six month periods of hancho-dom that move along the line of houses. the next door guy was hancho for his alotted time now the torch has been passed to an unwilling takami. poor girl. she's the kind of person who avoids responsibility like my dad avoids tom waits' albums. she's the type that wants praise when she remembers to put a new toiilet paper roll on the spinner if she uses up the old one.

i don't think she has anything to really worry about though. i'm sure it can't be that taxing of a job. its not like she'll have to make any important decisions or have to repave the street by herself or anything like that (though the thought of her in a hard hat shoveling asphalt is fairly alluring. stop thinking about it right now glavich!). i am hoping that her new status might somehow trickle down to your boy though. "hey listen fucker, get down and lick my shoes. my wife's the HANCHO!" you may remember that i am officially second in command of security in this parameter. maybe with my connections to the top dog i can get promoted to head security guy. then i'll really clean this place up. when that old lady comes over to water our flowers (takami always forgets. see above's lack of responsibility rant) i'll flog her in the head with a rolled up newspaper. that's a 602, trespassing and unlawfully pestering a neighbor's foliage missy! get back to your house now before i go and get my spray bottle!"

the one thing i don't understand is why i wasn't named hancho. i'm the head of the house. it says "Cain" on the...ok...it doesn't say Cain anywhere but damnit i'm the boss of this here homestead. i'm sure they had to discuss it with all the surrounding areas. i can imagine the spectacle that ensued after it was realized that the next in line for the pseduo-leadership was a 6'5" blonde haired, blue eyed, american malcontent. they definitely had to search up and down for a clause to keep that title from being bestowed on the impure nonjapanese. oh well... i can't complain.

song of the day: T-Model Ford- To the Left To the Right

Its a Trike not a Tricycle!!

2006-04-01T12:36:00.000+08:00

I was walking back from the supermarket this morning and a retarded boy one of those adult tricycles greeted me with a "Hello. How are you?" he had his retarded little sister in the basket in the back. I just nodded and kept going. I realized to late that I really should have bought the ticket and gotten on board for that ride. Where ever those two were going some crazy shit was sure to follow. I probably would've seen all kinds of things I've never seen before. Can you imagine all the adventures those two are having right now? Oh well...we'll just chalk this one up as another missed opportunity.

Song of the Day: The Pogues- The Sick Bed of Cuchulainn

Pushed Up

2006-03-30T12:13:00.000+08:00

I went to some indoor playground thing yesterday with some of my ex students and their moms. Shit was pretty cool. A ton of fucking little Japanese kids running around but that should be expected at a playground in Japan. I walked around for about ten minutes and all I wanted to do was PLAY PLAY PLAY! I didn't see any other adults running around so I was thinking maybe it wasn't a good idea for a 6'5" white guy to all of a sudden start playing on the monkey bars, jumping on the trampoline, etc. I walked up to one of the moms who was standing next to this rope net climbing thing. I looked at her and she looked back and we both knew what the other was thinking. I was like, "Race ya bitch!" and we both took off. All you saw were kids holding on to the net in desperation. That broke the seal. I spent the next hour running around like a crazy man.

Last night I found myself in front of a TV that was tuned into regular Japanese TV. Usually I scream and run away but this time I decided to see what was up cuz the announcer said something about a pushup contest. No red blooded American male can turn down the chance to watch other men engage in a pushup contest. The deal was that they had to do as many as they could in two minutes. So the buzzer goes off and these fuckers start doing GIRL PUSHUPS! Are you fucking kidding me?! Aaaaaaaaaaah!! I wanted to run out and punch myself in the balls. Why why why! Japanese men, why do you have to be such pansy asses? I would respect any man that did five real pushups over 200 girl pushups any day.
Girl pushups are for girls. Now that would've been something. Watching a bunch of Japanese women doing girl pushups. I would just sat there with a half-boner and licked my lips.

Song of the Day: Empty Orchestra- A Sense of Place

Public Transportation is for Losers and Old Ladies

2006-03-28T21:44:00.000+08:00

This message goes out to the old lady that was hitting me in the back of the knees with her bag and sucking her teeth in desperation to get off the train before the doors opened.
Listen lady. The fucking doors will open in a second. What the fuck do you think we're all lining up here for? This is the south Osaka line and we're pulling into the southern most part of Osaka. The train has nowhere else to go but back. Look ahead! You see that? That's the men's room and a udon shop. They don't just put those anywhere along the line. Those only come up when the train has met its final stop. Putting such things at other junctions would result in dead male pissers and udon eaters. I understand that the train and stopped and the doors have yet to open. I'm sure they will open in a nanosecond. Maybe in the future Japanese engineers will develop a way for the train to simultaneously stop and the doors open at the same time. But for the time being those engineers are working on updating the animation screens on your rice cooker and developing cigarettes to better titillate your t-zone! (while their American counterparts are developing new bunker buster bombs and the triple stuff oreo cookie.) All of us on this train are getting off here. Well, I can't vouch for that crazy guy in the front that's been yammering to himself since he got on, but I can guarantee that the rest of us disembark here. (just as a side note the crazy guy did get off there too) so please just relax one tenth of a second more and everything will be ok. I'm sure your old ass has a very important function to attend. lemme guess. There's a green tea sale over near Shittenoji temple? No? Oh yeah, that ten dollar hand bag sale thing they have up in the station! Bingo!!

Other than that. Let's see. I am drunk. It is Tuesday. I'm telling you. Jim Morrison said it, and it has become my life motto, "I get drunk so I can talk to assholes!". I wouldn't even drink if I could hold a normal conversation with the dumbasses in this world. Today I ran into this guy who was saying that I need to think about the long term such in such in my life. I'm just like, "Beer please. This is gonna be a long night!" It all ended with him saying that he has this fat niece that lives near me that I really need to become friends with her. At that point I was like, "Check please" and I was out the door. Sorry fucker, your fat niece is gonna have to ramble on without this guy cuz I'm outta here.

Song of the Day- Greg Brown- Mose Allison Played Here

WBC

2006-03-22T21:16:00.000+08:00

Ok, yes I know Japan won that fucking world baseball thing. I hear about it all fucking day. Like I told my boy Mateo, I hear that shit so often I wanna go slam my head in a door. These bastard ass Japanese never say it directly either. Its always some snide little remark. Like today at the gym a guy was like, "America sure is good at basketball. Too bad they suck at baseball. Hehehe!"

Here's an excerpt from a Japanese newspaper.
"An American ballpark rocked with Caribbean and Asian fervor -- there were plenty of U.S. touches, too, just not the host country's team -- as Japan beat Cuba 10-6 in the championship game Monday night."
Little mother fuckers. There is absolutely no reason to include the words "just not the host country's team" in that paragraph.

Anyway, I know what I'm gonna say from now on. "Tell me again how many medals Japan won in the last Olympics. Oh yeah. One! Shut the fuck up!"

Song of the Day: Bob Dylan- Highway 61

Strummin' My Way

2006-03-11T16:59:00.000+08:00

Just another typical Friday night in Osaka.

Song of the Day: Black Sabbath- Symptom of the Universe

Got Soul?

2006-03-05T16:47:00.000+08:00

On the way home from the gym I stopped over at a shrine to see what it was all about. I've passed it a million times but never realized how big it was until the other day. I had a little extra time today so I decided to check it out. I'm glad I had extra time cuz I needed all of it to talk to two old ladies. They were all over your boy explaining to me the ins and outs of the particular gods that oversee this shrine and shit. One lady told me that I had to come here and pray often cuz my soul is darkening and I need to light it up. Shit lady, I know my soul is dark. So's my mind. I don't think praying here's gonna clean it up. Only miles can cleanse my soul.

Song of the Day: Robert Johnson- Hellhound on My Trail

Toed Again!!

2006-03-04T18:26:00.000+08:00

Oh my god. I got toed again. Same old lady. Same place in the gym. Then she sat up and she was wearing a tight, see-through shirt with no bra. I almost puked my guts out.

Last night I had a dream I went fishing with Evil Underlord II aka Vice President Dick Cheney. He was driving and I was in the backseat. Everything was going well until he started driving all crazy and passing up great fishing holes. It was then that I came to the realization that I probably didn't wanna be far from civilization with ol' Hair Trigger Dick. I woke up in a cold sweat!

Song of theDay: Rolling Stones- Brown Sugar

I Got Toed!

2006-02-28T21:59:00.000+08:00

I saw an old lady's camel toe at the gym last night. I saw it very very up close. Not like my nose was in it but I was defnitely within spitting distance. I was doing crunches and I sat up and she was wearing spandex and doing this back stretch thing they have. Its shaped like a rainbow and you lay across it thus stretching your back out. Anyway her aforementioned camel toe was looking me right in the eye. This shit has been haunting me since I saw it. It is by far the most horrible thing I've ever seen.
You know they really should have rules about shit like this in the gym. No wearing spandex if you are disgusting. Its a very simple rule.

Song of the Day: May/June- Smith

Cops and Lobbers

2006-02-26T13:01:00.000+08:00

I saw a real bonified police chase yesterday. I was riding my bike and a white van went flying by me followed by a police car in hot pursuit. The Japanese police, god bless 'em, have to be the absolute worst police force on the planet. The van made a quick right and the police car just kept going straight. It wasn't like a Dukes of Hazard getaway move either. The guy just made a right. After going about a hundred feet the cops slammed on the brakes and stood there for at least ten seconds. I can just imagine the conversation.
cop A- "Um...I think he made a right back there."
cop B- "Yeah, I saw that."
cop A- "Did we learn anything like that back in the academy?"
cop B- "Maybe. I don't wanna make a decision on this though. Let's call the chief."
cop A- "Hey chief. What do we do if a guy we're chasing doesn't continue going straight?"
chief- "Oh my god. I'm not sure. Lemme check the manual. It says here you should continue following him."
cop B- "Interesting. Hit it!"
Poor cops though. Its gotta be hard staying on top of things in a country with so little crime. Another thing that makes things difficult is everybody looks the same. "We are in pursuit of a Asian male, 5 foot 8, brown eyes, black hair, and he appears to be a smoker." Shit, they'd have to arrest the whole damn country and make 'em line up. A car chase has the same problem because 90% of cars here are white mini vans with faggy stuffed animals on the dash and at least one or two blinking blue lights somewhere on the car.

Of course in this situation I'm always super nervous. You know the cops just wanna come back and club my ass and throw me in the back seat and take me in. That's an open and shut case here. A foreigner on trial. Shit, you're dead where you stand.
This actually happened the other day. I was at my friends house and there was a "domestic dispute" going on in the place next to us. Some guy was yelling at his wife who had locked him out of the house. So somebody called the cops. When that fucker showed up all he saw was me and he made a move toward me. I was like, "Cut the bullshit. It ain't me. You can hear that guy back there yelling." He walked past me but kept his eye on me the entire time.

song of the day: NWA- Fuck the Police

Strongman

2006-02-08T21:29:00.000+08:00

I'm back at the good gym again. Its so nice to work out at a place better than the local shit hole i used to go to. Its also nice that it has girls there. Tons and tons of hot young Japanese girls. Goddamn! i can't even concentrate half the time. But that's not important. That's not what i brought you all in her to talk about.
i think I've brought this up before but I'm not sure. If i have, I'm sorry. i just have to get it off my chest. The same dumbass that puts 400 pounds on the bench press (smith machine) and then sets it on the highest hook and then lifts it one millimeter and then puts it back and then struts around like he's Hercules is still fucking there. And he's still doing that shit. And all the fucking Japanese guys keep thinking he's fucking awesome. That's the fucking problem with this place. Its isn't the fucking dumbass that "lifts" the weights. Its all the fucking morons who are always like, "damn man, you're fucking strong!" that are the problem. I am waiting for the day where that fucker misses that hook and all 400 pounds come crashing down on his chest. That, my friends, will be one of the greatest days of my life.

I saw the aforementioned dumbass in the city the other day. He was walking through the station with some call girl and he sees me and he brags to the girl that he knows me and shit. Fuck that! I've never said one word to that asshole and now he's using me to impress some chick he rented for the night. I think somebody needs a 45 lb. dumbell upside his head!

Song of the Day: Bon Jovi- Blaze of Glory
Because that's what was playing in the gym today as I was walking out.

Your Inner Crochet Self

2006-02-04T15:30:00.000+08:00

I keep getting these weird emails directed at somebody named Sue. They are mails from some chick who calls herself the Crochet Guru. The shit is beyond bizarre. I've seen people take a spiritual stance on some crazy shit but never about crochet. Here's how one of them began.

Hi Sue,

So how do you find a crochet guru? Want to find one? Is it difficult?

Believe it or not, there's nothing to it. I can tell you some simple Underground techniques that'll 'help' you get a crochet master in no time.

Whoa! Underground crochet techniques! Is there some rogue group of crochet-ers living amongst us "normal people"? Hiding out in abandoned warehouses having wild crochet orgies to help get in touch with their inner crochet spirit! Fuck, sign me up!

I can't tell if these mails are spam or just misdirected mails. None of them are the same so I'm thinking they might not be. But they do include some links to crochet sites and whatnot so maybe they are. This is my new bizarre hangup. I gotta get to the bottom of this. I'm gonna wait these mails out a little longer before I attempt communication with these people. Its better to remain optimistically cautious at a time like this.

Song of the Day: Devendra Banhart- Tit Smoking in the Temple of Artisan Mimicry

Masterpiece

2006-01-28T16:28:00.000+08:00

My kids have to draw one big picture a month for us to hang on the wall. The decision of what to draw is left up to the teacher I teach with. This months theme is ME. She said she thought up the idea last night while she was lying in bed. What the fuck is she doing thinking about me while in bed? Wait...I get it.
Anyway the kids came up with some dope interpretations of your boy. The whole blue eye thing blows there mind. Half of them refuse to believe it even if I show them. Also about a third of them drew me with black hair. One kid drew me in red pajamas for one reason or another.

Hot Springing

2006-01-23T13:42:00.000+08:00

Takami and I went to Arima Hot Spring this weekend for her birthday. Shit was pretty dope. The place is filled with the super rich, the pseudo-rich, and suckers like me. Most hotels run at least 300 bucks a night per person but your boy found a dope little joint for 100 bucks a person with breakfast included. Of course I ended up spending 150 bucks that night on food and drinks and then another 100 or so the next day fucking around in Kobe's Chinatown. And I only got laid once the whole time!

You can see all the pictures on my flickr account.

The Yamato Inn, the traditional Japanese style place we stayed.

Me at Italian restaurant.

Takami in Chinatown.

Song of the Day: Aesop Rock- Super Fluke

Takami Turns 30

2006-01-20T21:11:00.000+08:00

Takami turned 30 yesterday. Four months before your boy does.
We went out last night and she got pretty hammered. I was pretty messed up myself but not as bad as her.

Here's the photo rundown of the end of the night.

"Its your birthday you gotta drink more!"

"I'm so drunk. I wanna go home and sleep!"

"I will kill you!"

My New Friend

2006-01-16T19:28:00.000+08:00

I was sitting the train station steps today waiting for my friend when a crazy bum came up to rap with me. He came up and got in my face and whatnot. I love this shit so I do what I always do, start talking jive English to him. "Hey what's up brother? What's happenin'? You got some fly honeys up in the crib for us?" Usually they just laugh and walk away after that. Well this fool turned a little violent. He started mumbling shit like an American bum. "You little fucker. I'll kick your ass. You ain't so big." So I was just laughing but some hot chick came over and was like, "Let's get outta here!" (big Cherokee saved by a bitch. Fuck!). Anyway I walk away and that fucker keeps following me spouting off his bullshit. "Come her you big fucker. I'll slap your peepee off. You can't shake me. blah blah blah!" so I just kept walking around the city with this crazy bum guy ten feel behind me yelling at me. People were shitting their pants. I finally shook him by walking up the train station stairs and then quickly walking down another set. I was down on the street and I could see him pacing back and forth in the station looking for me.

Never a dull moment in Japan.

Song of the Day: Rolling Stones- Waiting for a Friend

Over Easy

2006-01-15T10:14:00.000+08:00

Its Sunday afternoon and I'm watching football and Takami is doing the laundry. We're the all American Family!

Song of the Day: Black Sabbath- Paranoid

Talking to Strangers

2006-01-13T19:35:00.000+08:00

I was sitting next to a very drunk old guy on the train on the way home from work yesterday. I knew he was drunk as fuck cuz I caught a whiff of him soon as I got on. I sat down next to him on purpose. This has become a little pastime of mine. I always like to sit next to the weird fucker on the train that all the other people are purposely avoiding. Why? Cuz fuck those people! Those are the same bastards that won't sit next to me cuz I'm a foreigner. So anyway, I'm just chilling there listening to Tupac and waiting for the inevitable. See a drunk old guy is never ever gonna pass up the opportunity to make contact with a foreigner. So he taps me on the shoulder and offers me a little candy. Now I know better to take it so I declined it by telling him I already had some gum in my mouth. This pacified him until the train got to his stop. Then he stands up and puts his hand up in the "gimme a high five" position. So I give him a high five and he's on his way. Every fucker on the train is absolutely amazed by what just transpired. It pretty much broke every single aspect of Japanese social etiquette (except ones dealing with chopsticks).
I sorta had an epiphany at that moment. It went something like this. Fuck all those people out there who think they are too good to give a drunk geezer a high five on the train. You'd figure the epiphany would be a little more subtle but what're gonna do.

Song of the Day: If I Die Tonight- Tupac

Gate Ball

2005-12-14T20:29:00.000+08:00

I gotta tell y'all about the Japanese phenomenon known as gate ball. Its the Japanese version of croquet played by the ever expanding senior citizen clique here. Its played on a level dirt area about 100 square feet thus making it the least challenging pseudo-sport on the planet. I know you gotta be saying, "A level dirt area! What the fuck!?"

Now since I was an official member of the H.A.C.B.A. (Hansen Amateur Croquet and Bocce Association) and you have an idea of how croquet really should be played. But for those of you who don't let me lay it on you. You need a minimum of 2 acres (that's good ol' American acres. Not hectares, or square meters, or any other measurement based on the logical division of 10.) of land but preferably more. The area needs to be full of obstacles such as trees, hills, lawnmowers, dogs, wheel barrows, flowers, gardens (with or without shotgunned off brussel sprouts), woodchuck holes, a creek, turn-around driveway, a barn, several sheds, wood piles, etc. And though its not in the official rule book its a good idea to have a couple of active bee hives so you have a good place to send somebody's ball. You also need a decent supply of alcohol and Mrs. Hansen's home cooking. And last but not least you're gonna need about six hours of daylight cuz to do this shit right it takes time my friends.

Song of the Day: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- Devil's Waitin'

Thunderbird

2005-12-12T20:23:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna lay it on you. Red wine is my newest vice. I cannot escape its crimson grip. Its like a train ride through erudition that ends in idiocy. No substance on earth sends me through the whole spectrum of human intelligence like this. Two or three glasses into the night I'm quoting Aristotle and solving differential equations then two hours later I can't remember how to tie my shoes. At least I stay coherent through the whole experience.

The best part of this whole deal tonight is that the powers that be delegated me in charge of watching my two and half year old niece, Mayaka (aka Spanky). This is an experiment in insanity all in itself. Every thing I let the kid play with is apparently wrong. She was just playing with a tape measure and her mom yelled at her for playing with it and me for letting her play with it. What the fuck? Its just a tape measure. Its not like I was letting her play with a chainsaw or something. Hell, its her fault for putting her daughter's life in the hands of a drunk idiot. What does she expect? I grew up in the Jack Cain school of parenting, "Let 'em hurt himself, he won't do it again!". That's the only way to do it as far as I'm concerned.

Song of the Day: Korn- Blind

Yama Weekend

2005-12-11T17:32:00.000+08:00

Did an eight mile hike yesterday with Takami and my friend, Fumiyo. Started in Ashiya, did a little rock climbing over to Mt. Rokko, and then down the other side to Arima and a hot spring. Good hike except that I lost my wife and had to run up and down the mountain three times looking for her. Eventually found her and after a few tears (hers not mine) we were on our way again.

I climbed Mt. Kongo today. My fourtieth time! There was about four inches of snow to trudge through but it was still cool as hell. I really need to get some good winter hiking gear though. I'm losing my Michigan-ness and I'm becoming a puss in the cold.

Song of the Day: Damien Rice- "Older Chests"

I'm a Star!...Sorta...Ok, Not Really

2005-12-04T10:40:00.000+08:00

Well, I've solidified my place in movie history. Ok, maybe not but I did go and do that movie. Shit was pretty dope. a lot of standing around doing nothing all day. I met a couple other round-eyes who have an eye for idiocy like I do and we pretty much fucked around on the set all day. One guy brought a football. The Japanese were a little freaked out by a bunch of tall fuckers in German army uniforms throwing a strange ball around. Another highlight was all the free bread and coffee. I must've ate fifty pieces of bread.
yet another highlight were all the locals who came by to watch it being made. I'm sure they were trying to see ken Matsudaira or some other star but instead they got me. I just went up and talked to them and signed a bunch of autographs and pictures and the whole deal. I think they thought I was some big star or something. And in many ways I am. Totally bizarre experience though, having dozens of Japanese people crowding around trying to get an autograph of some dumbass. Oh yeah, I took a little extra time to take some pictures with and sign some autographs for a group of mentally handicapped people that came to watch. BINGO! I'm back to even on the karma scale.

Song of the Day: Rolling Stones- Think

Hana Kuso

2005-11-28T21:55:00.000+08:00

I was walking down the street today and an old guy walking towards me shot a snot rocket outta his nose onto the sidewalk. Sick bastard! Japanese males never cease to appall me!

Jump!

2005-11-27T11:02:00.000+08:00

Here's a picture of the mirrors they've put up in the subways to deter people from killing themselves. On top is basically says "You are special". So apparently you're supposed to see yourself, realize your special, and not jump in front of a train thus saving zillions of commuters the hassle of the delay you caused. I was wondering though, what if you're not special? Then what? What if you look in that mirror and all you see is a piece of shit loser? Shit, wouldn't that just encourage you to do the deed? I'm not a psychiatrist so I don't know.

Song of the Day: Francoise Hardy- C'est A L'Amour Auquel Je Pense

Court News

2005-11-19T14:35:00.000+08:00

Just got back from a basketball tournament. Only five members of my team could make it. Luckily it was five members that actually have a drive to win. We all had to play the entire game with no substitutions against a team of ten. We tore those fuckers up the first three quarters then they came back and tied it up in the fourth. I missed the last shot and the shit went into overtime. We ended up losing by three but I consider it a moral victory. We played our asses off. That's the first time I've ever said that about my chump ass team.
For the record I only caused one minor squabble. The guy actually bucked up back to me. Finally a Japanese guy with a backbone. Of course none of his teammates came to his aid. Only my team came up to keep me from thumping him. Of course, I made up with the guy later. I'm like that. Gotta keep the balance between angry Cherokee and kindergarten teacher Cherokee.

Makin' My Day

2005-11-16T21:22:00.000+08:00

I was teaching some kids the words for baby animals yesterday. You know, puppy, kitten, calf, etc. Well I got to kitten. Usually the problem is that they always wanna say "kitty" as in that fucker hello kitty. Which isn't technically wrong I would just like them to learn "kitten" too. Well I showed the card and one kid yells out "TITTY!". I felt like saying, "Ok. Pack it up. We're playing outside for the rest of the day. Cuz you just made my day kid!"

Song of the Day: Modest Mouse- Bury Me With It

Find Out What It Means to Me

2005-11-15T21:26:00.000+08:00

The other day two teachers at my school were forced to run laps around the hallways. Apparently this was punishment for some,I'm sure, insignificant infraction doled out by the principal, her husband, or her son. You see they run the kindergarten like Stalin would given the chance. They are an empire upon themselves, or at least they would like to think so.
But to get back to the teachers having to run laps. All I have is two words for that..."FUCK THAT!!" I'll tell you what, if my boss wanted to punish me like that that'd be the last nano second I worked at that job. Well, it would be the last five minutes. Those five minutes would be me unleashing a tirade of language (and possibly fists) on the fucker's face. I would never let myself be disrespected like that. I hope none of you would either. No job is worth that kind of humiliation. That's people's problem these days. They hang on to shitty jobs like its their last bastion of hope. Once again let me reiterate..."FUCK THAT!!" There are always a million other jobs out there. We owe no loyalty except to ourselves. I live by my dad's immortal words, "You can work your ass off for a company your whole life and they'll fire your ass the minute you steal a pen."

Also I would like to add that I am a week into my endeavor to quit biting my nails. Holy shit this is hard. Now I understand the shit smokers go through trying to quit. Once I get through this I'll just have to work on quitting swearing....FUCK THAT!

Song of the day: The Who- Whiskey Man

10K

2005-11-10T16:11:00.000+08:00

I ran my first 10K race on Sunday. Did it in 51:11. That's not bad for a rookie. Not bad for a ex-fat fucker that used to get tired walking to the fridge either.

I met some guy that morning who invited me to a party with a bunch of Tanzanians. Shit was pretty intense. I love Africans. I never met any until I came to Japan. That's kinda strange, eh? But every single one I've ever met has been cool as hell.
I had a couple beers in my fridge that I brought to the party. One happened to be a Guiness. I cracked it open and one of the Tanzanians was like, "Daaaamn! Where'd you get that Guiness!" I think he wanted it. That's pretty cool for an African. Of course I didn't give it to him. He wasn't that cool. You gotta be pretty special to pry the only Guiness outta my hand.

NO RUN FOR YOU!!

2005-11-02T22:27:00.000+08:00

I was at the gym one town over and I saw they had a poster up for that city's 10k run thing. So I go up to the counter to sign up for it. The bitch, I mean lady, tells me that I can't participate because I don't live in that town. What a crock of bullshit!! Why? Its Japan. Do you need to know more. I don't even ask anymore. I swear to god this country is so fucking retarded. There is absolutely no reason why somebody from another town can't run in the thing. I asked my friend and she said every town is like that. Only people from in that town are allowed to run 'em. Somebody kill me!

Its not the cutural differences that piss me off about this country. I can deal with the noodle slurping and the 654,876 rules relating to chopstick use but I can't handle all the fucking shit that is fucked up just because somebody didn't sit down and think it out or somebody didn't ask "why?". So much shit in this country would go so much more smoothly if the average Japanese person just asked that one simple word, "why?".

Song of the Day: David Bowie- "All the Madmen"

Plumbing

2005-10-31T21:59:00.000+08:00

I dropped my cell phone in the toilet at a restaurant last night. That thing was on its way down and I reached in and got it. I had to reach down in the tube to recover it. It wasn't pretty. Well needless to say it doesn't work anymore. Fuckin' technology. Seems like somebody would figure out how to make all electronic stuff water proof by now. So anyway now I gotta go to the cell phone place and tell 'em, "shit, I was just talking on my phone and it went out. I don't know what's wrong." There's a very good chance they'll believe me and I'll get hooked up. If not, oh well. At least I tried.

Song of the Day: James Brown- "I Feel Alright" from the 'Live at The Apollo Vol. II' disk.

Tennis

2005-10-23T19:55:00.000+08:00

I played in a tennis tournament yesterday. A friend of mine asked me to play because they needed one more person for the team. I haven't played in like eight years and then was when I used to whoop the Hashikawa boys over at Davison high school. I did get one day of practice a couple weeks ago though. I'll tell you what, tennis is just like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it. I'm not as good as I used to be but I'm still respectable. Too bad all the other teams are people who play tennis a lot. We got our asses whooped. It came down to us and one other team at the end in a fight not to end up in last place. We finally won. But it wasn't a very sweet victory cuz I'm almost positive the other team was made up of one, if not two, retards. Its just not very satisfying beating the mentally challenged.
The tennis courts we're really weird. They were made of some strange substance. I don't know where they get this shit but they use it everywhere in Japan. Like the shit houses are made out of here. The shit isn't made up of any known element found on the periodic table. Maybe its Japanium. Its like a concrete, adobe, grass, plastic, wood, booger, mix or something that some mad scientist cooks up in the lab. They seem to build a lot of shit out of it whatever it is. Its kind a slippery though and to top it off they put sand on it. Why? I don't know. Its Japan. Somebody a long time ago decided that tennis courts need a good sprinkling of sand on 'em to make 'em more slippery therefore more dangerous. cuz it wouldn't be Japan without a complication. I'm sure their first choice was ice but they couldn't keep it from melting in the summer.

Song of the Day: Rush- "New World Man"

Ouch

2005-10-16T20:55:00.000+08:00

I was riding my bike home from the drug store and I ran into a telephone pole. I was doing about 15 mph when I smacked into it. My left shoulder took the brunt of the collision. I don't think I broke anything but my shoulder hurts like hell.
Some lady came up and asked if I was ok. After I told her I was fine all she said was, "Well at least you weren't carrying eggs." I think that's gonna be my new saying from now on. "Well...at least you weren't carrying eggs!" It kinda means "could be worse..."

Song of the Day: Johnny Cash- "A Boy Named Sue"

Run Gaijin Run

2005-10-06T22:00:00.000+08:00

Why are 99% of long distance runners assholes? They have such a contempt for anybody who can't run a marathon at a 5 minute mile pace.

I've been running twice a week since this summer so I decided to sign up for a 10k run Matsubara City is hosting. I went and ran the course and I was pretty excited that I could do it. I was all stoked about the actual run coming up on the 6th of November. I told this runner guy at the gym and he started giving me some advice on how to go faster and whatnot. It was pretty good advice but I don't think he realizes that I'm not really going for speed I'll just be happy that I can finish it. Well now every time I see him in the gym he has to bust my balls about something. Today he was like, "You have no power in your calves."
Ok, this is a note to all you squirrely little runner fucks. "Just cuz you can run far doesn't mean you are a badass! If you weigh a 110lbs you better be a good runner cuz you are definitely a puss!"

Song of the Day: Nick Cave- "The Lyre of Orpheus"

Pedi Cure

2005-09-10T12:06:00.000+08:00

I finally got my ingrown toenail fixed. Its only been messed up for three years. Even though its only been a few hours it feels so much better. I can't wait to be able to wear sandals again without having to worry about my toe grossing everybody out.

Song of the Day: Megadeth- "Peace Sells"

Good Fish/Bad Fish

2005-09-09T20:42:00.000+08:00

Today a little girl said my arm looked like a Fugu (blowfish). What the hell is that supposed to mean? I don't get it. Is that a compliment?

Song of the Day: 2Pac- "So Many Tears"

Say It Ain't So

2005-08-29T22:59:00.000+08:00

I'm so pissed off about this recent allegations that Lance Armstrong may have used EPO. "Pissed" is the only word I can come up with.
The man is a hero. He'd be a hero if he won that shit with a motor attached to his bike. I for one won't be taking off my "Livestrong" bracelet anytime soon. You can bury me with this shit on.

Pecan

2005-08-27T22:33:00.000+08:00

I was at the gym today and there was a basketball team practicing there. I checked the board to see if I knew the team. Well...Actually I was seeing if it was any team that I had previously gotten in a fight with and had to apologize to or beat up again. Unfortunately I had never heard of them before. But check this out. Their name was "Pecan". Ooooooooh... Now that's a name to strike fear into the heart of the opposing team. Wait a minute... My team is called Poppins, as in Mary Poppins. I'm gonna go kick my own ass now.
Ok, I'm back. Man, I deserved that.
But anyway, for the record I will more than likely be leaving Poppins and joining the rival team Blizzard in the near future. Blizzard is definitely a tougher sounding team name. Not as cool as some of the team names I used in intramural volleyball back in college (Popes of Chili Town, Country Bear Jamboroo, Brain My Damage, and the Insanity Peppers) but at least better than Poppins.

Song of the Day: Eminem- Mosh

Nihon no Yakyu

2005-08-25T17:22:00.000+08:00

I can't believe what I'm about to admit.... Japanese baseball is fun. I went to a game the other day and it was pretty cool. I take back most of the bad things that I've been saying about it for the past five years.
I love the fact that you're allowed to take in your own beer and food. I also love the fact that if you order a beer you get it from a guy carrying around a pony keg on his back.

Song of the Day: 10,000 Maniacs- "Candy Everybody Wants"

The Man and His Words

2005-08-24T20:55:00.000+08:00

"Each day in life is training
Training for myself
Though failure is possible
Living for each momentEqual to anything
Ready for anything
I am alive
I am this moment
My future is here and now
For if I cannot endure today
When and where will I?"

-- Soen Ozeki Daisen-in Temple, Kyoto

Bozu no Pose

2005-08-24T20:40:00.000+08:00

Soen Ozeki, the head monk at Daisen-in (the main subtemple at the Zen temple Daitokuji), is the greatest human being I have ever met.

Sign of the Apocalypse

2005-08-06T22:25:00.000+08:00

I bought a DVD player. I'm officially the last person on earth to get one. People in Burundi had DVD players before I did.

Closing Time

2005-08-06T22:16:00.000+08:00

The local blues bar shut its doors today. Last night the owner had a big going under party. I got fuckin' hammered. Texas Tommy supplied the music and we were all so drunk and elated. The shit went on til 5:30 in the morning. As I was leaving some crazy girl that had covered herself in black chalk came running out the door and jumped into my arms. She was like a ghost of the bride of Satan. I was in no state to deal with anything like that. I held her up in the air to keep her from eating my soul not as a symbol of my affection. The owner hooked me up with about twelve bottles of liquor, a juicer, and an American flag. I can't decide to make Old Glory into a curtain or a cape.

Song of the Day: Texas Tommy- "I Got My Mojo Workin'"

Closing Time

2005-08-06T21:16:00.000+08:00

Osaka Burning

2005-07-14T22:10:00.000+08:00

All I gotta say is that it is hot as hell in Japan. Too much concrete in this damn place. I was asking a bunch of Japanese old guys and they said that it wasn't this hot 30 or 40 years ago. It wasn't until the paved over the entire country that it got this hot. Now Prime Minister Koizumi is gonna make it all better by instuting a rule that you don't have to wear ties to work. The reason is that you won't be as hot without a tie therefore you won't have to run the air conditioner as much therefore not scorching the outside world. So far I don't think anybody is complying. It was a fad for about ten minutes then everybody went back to their ties. After all, "ITS PART OF THE UNIFORM!"

In other news my friend Shannon sent me some shit from America. Nothing makes an expat happier than receiving things from the mother land. Until you become an expat you'll never understand.

Song of the Day: Spoon- Sister Jack

Independence Curry

2005-07-05T21:41:00.000+08:00

I celebrated the Fourth of July by going to my favorite Indian restaurant, Aja Kaja. That's how I usually celebrate American holidays while living here in Japan. No specific reason, I guess that's just the way I've always done it.

Art

2005-06-29T16:45:00.000+08:00

Just some funny anti-Japanese art drawn by Korean kids. Why can't these East Asian countries just get along?

Song of the Day: Ordinary Boys- "Talk Talk Talk"

Instant Member Swelling

2005-06-28T20:54:00.000+08:00

I just heard a great Japanese superstition. They tell little boys that if you pee on worms your penis will swell up. The reason is to keep the little brats from peeing outside. Now think about this for a minute. In a penile deficient country like Japan wouldn't the prospect of your member getting bigger actually encourage you to pee outside?

Roberta Rive

2005-06-27T23:26:00.000+08:00

Went to the Roberta flack concert on Saturday. If you don't know who that is she's the "Killing Me Softly" lady. No not that one, that's Lauren Hill, she covered Roberta's original from the 70's. This isn't a concert I would normally attend but my wife loves the woman and unfortunately for me Ms. Flack decided to come to Japan around our anniversary so I got talked into going. It wasn't that bad. Our seats were conveniently right next to the bar and they conveniently had Asahi Black on tap so I conveniently got drunk. I think it was after about the sixth glass that I started screaming "Play some Black Sabbath!!". Maybe she didn't hear me, or maybe she doesn't know any Sabbath, but my requests went unheeded. This doesn't put her high up on my list. I pretty much judge a band by their ability to play whatever song I scream out at the moment. Ok ok, I didn't really yell that. But I wanted to. Stupid inhibitions!!
I talked to one of Roberta's roadies after the show and asked if we could meet the lady. He said she had already gone back to the hotel but that she had another show that night and we could probably catch her in the lobby on her way back to the club. I shouldn't have translated this to my wife because we spent the next hour sitting in the Hilton lobby waiting for Roberta to come out. My wife was like a kid in the back seat on a vacation. "Do you think she'll come out soon? Do you think we'll see her? Do you think she'll talk to us? Cherokee? Cherokee? Are you listening?"
She finally came out and we got to talk to her. My wife was going fucking nuts. I didn't know she could speak that much English. The coolest thing Ms. Flack said was after I told her I was from near Detroit that she was "really rooting for the Pistons". That makes her cool in my book. The rest of the night my wife kept smelling her hand going, "It smells like Roberta flack."

Song of the Day: Roberta Flack- "Oasis"

Trainstopping II

2005-06-13T21:23:00.000+08:00

I was late for work today because somebody decided to kill themselves by stepping in front of a train on the same line I use. This happens at least once a month. Why are Japanese so weak? Why do they have to kill themselves by stepping in front of a train? This country has an excellent history of honorable suicide, its called seppuku or harakiri. Its ritual disembowelment. Its the way my main man Yukio Mishima and countless samurai went out. If you're gonna off yourself that's the way to do it. Like Hunter S. Thompson said, "Anything worth doing is worth doing right!"

I'm gonna start the Cherokee Anti-Train Suicide Hotline. This is how it'll work. People call up and say that they are sick of living and shit and that they're are gonna off themselves by stepping in front of a train. I tell them to calm down and give me their address so I can come over and comfort them. Then I go over to their house and beat the piss out of them. "That's what you get for even thinking about doing something dumb like that! You dumb motherfucker!"

Its not like anybody has it hard here anyway. At least not hard enough that they need to kill themselves. Japanese people have it so easy. I've never seen a person and said to myself, "now that guy's got it bad." Even the homeless people here are living well. That's why people here are so fucking weak. Japan needs to institute a program where all sixth graders have to go and live in Uganda or Cambodia or downtown Detroit for a year and see what shit is really like. The whole time somebody with a bullhorn will yell shit in their face like, "Look at these people. They work from dawn til dusk in a fucking field. They only eat rice and bugs. Wanna know how many of them committed suicide last year? Not a fucking one! So if you think about doing it you're a weak piece of shit! Now drop and give me fifty real ones!!"

Man, they really need to put me in charge of shit. I have a lot of good ideas.

Song of the Day: Black Sabbath- Killing Yourself to Live

1st Anniversary

2005-06-10T23:39:00.000+08:00

Today is my one year wedding anniversary. Well...Today is the day we turned in our wedding paper thing to city hall. The actual ceremony wasn't for another month but as far as the Japanese government is concerned today is our wedding anniversary.

Being married is cool. Its not horrible like everybody said it would be. My life hasn't changed much since I got married. I'd say about the only thing different is I watch my money a little more closely but that's no big deal. That's enough to pay for having somebody to do half the house work and cleaning. The main thing I'm proud of is that I haven't gotten fat or lazy since getting married. And I still do stupid shit.

Song of the Day: Tom Waits- "Better Off Without a Wife"

Bug's Life

2005-06-09T22:29:00.000+08:00

As soon as you walk in any Japanese school there are little cubby hole things for kids to take off their outside shoes and change into their indoor shoes. Whatever, its Japan, right? So this morning when we all came in I notice that all my kids are huddled around the shoe thing. I go over there and there's a yellow and black butterfly hanging out in one of the holes. I caught it and let it go outside. The kids were all amazed but nowhere near as spastic as the teachers were. The way they carried on you'd think I'd touched a rabid dog that had just rolled in its own feces. They were like, "you gotta hurry up and wash your hands because of the germs!" Germs?! What the fuck!? Its a butterfly. Butterflies don't have germs.
This is just another example of everybody here being absolutely afraid of anything natural or living. Too much concrete in this place. The Japanese do their best to control, conform, and homogenize nature into nice little theme parks where they can visit on the weekends.

Song of the Day: White Stripes- My Doorbell

Chester the Chikan

2005-06-06T21:34:00.000+08:00

My wife got molested by some kid the other night. She was at work and she went outside to the vending machine to get a pop or what not and when she was walking back some junior high kid roared up on his bike and grabbed her right tit! She chased after him but couldn't get him. She was screaming for people to snag the little fucker but nobody came to help but some old lady. That's such typical Japan bullshit. That's why there's a huge problem with this kind of shit here. People that do this are called "chikan". Most of them fondle women on the train. Its gotten so bad that now there are "women only" train cars. Can you imagine if this shit happened in America? Some guy would beat the fuck outta some scum bag if he caught him fondled girls on the train. But not here. All I know is if I ever catch the fucker its gonna be go time!! They're gonna have to pry me off him with the jaws of life cuz nobody touches those titties but me...and any hot girl that wants to.

Song of the Day: Lou Reed and John Cale- "Faces and Names"

Trainstopping

2005-05-31T21:26:00.000+08:00

I was late for work today because the train in front of mine got held up by somebody standing on the tracks. Fuckin' Japan! Think about it. Would a person on the tracks even cause the train to slow down in America!? Fuck no! The driver would probably speed up to make it a cleaner kill.

Rice Farming

2005-05-28T08:58:00.000+08:00

Last night I jogged four miles then on the way home stopped at the bar and had three beers. I think that totally negates the run. Or do I end up even steven? Or what?

We planted rice at school today. How Japanese is that!? Of course I had to listen to a twenty minute speech about how rice is a gift from the gods. I understand that rice tastes good and its the staple food of Asia but its really not as important as this country makes it out to be. Its not like rice can beat you in an arm wrestling match. Its not like rice can change your tire for you. Its not like rice can stop an atomic bomb from being dropped on a couple of your cities.

Song of the Day: Mastodon- "Iron Tusk"

This is not rocket science people!

2005-05-25T20:39:00.000+08:00

Everyday I take the train from my house to the town where I work. From the train station there I have to take a bus to the kindergarten. There is basically only one bus line in town. It makes a loop between the two train stations on either end of the city. The bus stop has a sign with the bus times. Its so fucking easy. There is an area for weekdays, one for weekends, and then another for holidays. You could be clinically brain dead and figure this out. Well at least I thought so. Every single day I go to the bus stop I see at least a half dozen morons staring at it like they are trying to read the blue prints to the god damn voyager space craft! I just wanna rub there face in it like a puppy that's just poopooed on the floor.
"Look at that! Look at that! What does it say right there?! It says 9:40. The bus is coming at 9:40 you dumb son of a bitch!!"

Song of the Day: Outkast- "Rosa Parks"

Beer Gardening

2005-05-18T21:33:00.000+08:00

Kirin World Beer Garden here in Osaka has only been open a week but I've been there twice already. I love that place. Its probably one of the only things still keeping me fettered to Japan. Its all you can eat and drink for about $30. That's a great deal especially if you consider a fucking large pizza costs thirty bucks here.
I think my dad summed it up best when we were at the beer garden last summer and he said, "If I lived in Japan I'd come here everyday!!"

Song of the Day: Blur- "Parklife"

Urinal Blues

2005-05-09T22:27:00.000+08:00

I went to Mt. Kongo for the 28th time yesterday. It was like retart day up at the top. There were about ten raging retarts doing their thing up there. Now don't get me wrong, I think its a good thing when their handlers take them out on these like day trips. Not to mention that it provides entertainment for the rest of us.
Most of the mentally handicapped are like big fuzzy teddy bears but ever so often you get a mean fucker in the bunch.
I was taking a pee in the far urinal in the little toilet shack they have up there when all of a sudden I'm shoved outta the way and immediately I'm peeing two urinals down without missing a beat. I look in the direction where hence I came and there's a big ol' retart scowling at me and getting ready to do his thing. His handler was all apologetic and whatnot. In the end it didn't really bother me that much. I'm mean, what could I have done anyway? Beat his ass? Beating up a retart is worse than beating up a girl.

Song of the Day: Nick Cave and the Badseeds- "Hiding All Away"

Cherokee Ali

2005-05-09T18:26:00.000+08:00

Braggart
You are 71% Rational, 71% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 71% Arrogant.

You are the Braggart! Like Muhammad Ali, you would surely tell everyone that you are "The Greatest" whilst bragging incessantly about your intelligence, your skills, and your abilities. You tend to be a thinker rather than a feeler, and combined with your extroversion and arrogance, this makes you someone who probably just LOVES to brag about his accomplishments. Despite this, however, you are a very gentle, tender person and truly care about others' feelings. You just happen to care more about yourself. Unlike Ali, of course, you are rather rational as opposed to emotional, and you are also much more gentle. But his arrogance and extroversion best reflect the most visible aspects of your personality. Your personality defect is the fact that you are extremely overconfident, extroverted, and perhaps rather lacking in emotions. YOU ARE THE GREATEST! Or so you keep telling yourself every night, in hopes that eventually everyone else on the planet will agree. Well, sorry, we probably won't.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Bitch-Slap.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hand-Raiser, the Haughty Intellectual, and the Capitalist Pig.

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 58% on Rationality

You scored higher than 77% on Extroversion

You scored higher than 45% on Brutality

You scored higher than 82% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid

Hell in the Vegetable Aisle

2005-05-04T21:00:00.000+08:00

Why does a trip to the grocery store in Japan always have to rival a trip through the depths of hell? Why!? Why!? Why!?

All I wanted was some juice. But its only two aisles over Cherokee, just walk over there and get it. Oh nooooooo! Not here my friends. Between me and the juice are six old ladies either a) talking in the middle of the aisle with no intention of letting anybody go by or b)walking diagonally back and forth not paying a lick of attention where they are going. Aaaaaaaah!
I can almost grab the juice from here. Let's go around you say. No dice! More old ladies! And they're all wearing those creepy old lady hats! I'm trapped. Act natural. Look at the...um...corn soup and act like this is exactly where you wanna be. Oh fuck...They're closing in. Somebody please kill me!

Song of the Day: The Cure- "Three Imaginary Boys"

Churn, Churn, Churn

2005-04-29T21:14:00.000+08:00

Man oh man, I got hammered last night. My boys Sam and Dan and I tore some shit up last night. We didn't roll back to my house until the sun was coming up. I only have vague memories of the night. I remember a chick passed out at the bar after only drinking a beer and a half, Sam kissing my wife's mom, and listening to the one and only Prophet of Truth, Texas Tommy, tear up the blues.

I was up for a while this morning and then went back to bed til 6:30 this evening. I woke up, ate about three bowls of curry and rice, and then went to basketball. Eating curry and then exercising is never, under any circumstance, a good idea. Unless you're Pakistani or something your body is not genetically capable of dealing with running with a gut full of curry. Not to mention, doing it with a raging hangover. Oh well. Live and learn.

Song of the Day: Johnny Cash- "Kneeling Drunkard's Plea"

Rike a Ninja

2005-04-25T21:05:00.000+08:00

My kids were being slightly unruly in the hallway today and the teacher I teach with said to them, "Ok, I want you to act like ninjas while we walk upstairs." All the kids started walking all stealthy and quietly like little ninjas. It was the greatest thing I've ever seen. Why didn't I ever think of that? Its using their own culture against them.

Song of the Day: Morcheeba- Everybody Loves a Loser"

I Made a Grown Man Puke

2005-04-23T19:34:00.000+08:00

This guy I know wanted me to be his trainer for putting on some muscle. So I told him to meet me and I'd show him my routine and give him some pointers and whatnot. I don't think he knew what he was getting into. Matter of fact, I know he had no idea what he was getting into. I worked that fucker so hard I made him puke. This is one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.

What a Bargain

2005-04-14T21:09:00.000+08:00

I am worth $2,199,062.00 on HumanForSale.com

Super Hike

2005-04-11T22:23:00.000+08:00

I took part in the 31st Annual Osaka Prefecture Alpine Hike yesterday. It was twenty five miles of insane mountain hiking. It goes over three major peaks (Mt. Nijo, Mt. Katsuragi, and Mt. Kongo) and all the valleys and rolling hills in between. If you look south from my house its basically the entire horizon. It was by far the most physically challenging thing I've ever done. There are shorter courses and places to bail out but there was no way I wasn't going to do the entire thing. I did it by myself and turned into what is supposed to be a twelve hour hike into a nine hour leg burning, blitzkrieg death march. It was just typical Ol' "I got something to prove" Cherokee bullshit. I'll tell you what though, my legs are paying for it today. I can barely walk. I feel like my entire lower body has been run over by a train. Fuck it! I love it! I wouldn't want it any other way! How can you judge yourself if you don't have the battle scars?

That being said, check this out. There are a few people who actually run the entire course. They call it the Mountain Marathon or something like that. Its held on the same day. I saw some of these people. You have to be in super shape just to consider doing this let alone finish it. They are definitely some of the most physically fit people on the planet. A few of them burn out and don't finish. I ended up passing about ten of them along the trail.

By far the greatest thing I saw all day was one of the marathon runners was a mentally handicapped man. Talk about taking a set back and turning it into a positive. That guy has just been added into my short list of heroes. All I can think of is all the people who were born with normally functioning brains sitting in McDonalds fucking up their bodies and talking about all the things they "could've done". From now on whenever I think I can't do something I'm gonna think of that guy. Ya know, sometimes the human race just does something that just smacks you in the face and makes you sit down and see what's up!

I took my Ipod Mini with me. Here's the CD's I listened to on the way.
Danzig- Danzig 1
Grateful Dad- Last Day of Filmore
Modest Mouse- Good News for People Who Like Bad News
Pink Floyd- Momentary Lapse of Reason
Rolling Stones- Beggar's Banquet
Stevie Wonder- Down to Earth
Tom Waits- VH1 Storytellers
White Stripes- B-Sides and Rarities
Jack Johnson- In Between Dreams

Good Cop/Bad Cop

2005-04-09T14:17:00.000+08:00

I came home last night and there was a letter on my door from the neighborhood association. Well it seems that the powers that be have elected me second in charge of crime prevention in the area! Yes! I'm not sure where my jurisdiction starts and ends but you can bet your ass I'm gonna exploit the minimal amount of power I have.
"Hey little girl. You're gonna have to put some pads on if you're gonna ride that tricycle! Don't fuck with me, I'm second in command of crime prevention in this sector!"

Song of the Day: Slayer- "Die by the Sword"

Me and My Uncle

2005-03-13T22:47:00.000+08:00

My wife's sister came over today and brought her 1 1/2 year old kid who I call Spanky cuz she looks exactly like Spanky from the Little Rascals. Recently I've been calling her The Human Tornado because she lays ruin to any place she goes. Anyway, I was watching an old video of Arnold Schwarzenegger on my computer and Spanky walked in, pointed at the screen and said, "Cherokee!!". Thata girl! Its about time somebody starts giving me props for my manliness.

Song of the Day: Parker and Lily- "I Am a Gun"

Faux Pas Japan Style

2005-03-13T12:34:00.000+08:00

Oh man! I dropped the bar of soap in the bathtub yesterday. I think I'm required by law to commit seppuku (ritual suicide). The authorities are probably out looking for me right now. Dropping the soap in the bathtub is a bigger faux pas than sticking your chopsticks straight up in a bowl of rice or walking inside with your shoes on.

Song of the Day: Barry White- "Let the Music Play"